I don’t know how to get out of the cave in which I’ve ensconced myself. It’s almost painful to be around people right now. Yet, I’m acutely aware that I am very lonely. It’s the frustrating paradox of fear of people, yet that fear has direct roots with my loneliness. I’m on a hamster wheel. Even writing feels like a monumental effort. So many things feel too big, too hard.
I know that part of the challenge comes from discovery of a new part. This new part does not talk, and expresses herself in a very physical way by shaking or pounding her fists into the sofa pillows (better than my legs, thank you). I’m trying to learn to integrate her into the system in a way that works for all of us. It’s a challenge. If I forget about her I pay the price for all of us because she will revolt and run from things that freak her out. So, it’s best that I pay attention. But, I am tired from all of it. Tired from trying, and tired from the nightmares that never truly leave us.
There are bright spots though. I have my beautiful and loving fiance. She is eternally supportive of me. Yet, I worry that my mental health issues will come between us. I’ll keep showing up for us. It is a dream to have her in my life. We met through a mutual friend, and we do not live in the same city. In fact, we live over a thousand miles apart. Some day we will live in the same city, under the same roof. We both have DID, and it seems that we both learn from each other all the time. I am so blessed, and that is why it bothers me that I’m in such a tough place. I know that there are good things in my life. I want to fully enjoy them, yet I am stuck.