Category Archives: sleep

Good news/Bad news

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Friday was a crazy day. I had to try to convince an employee to __________. In the unlikely, but still possible, event that someone can guess where I work, or even the specific situation I had before me, I will stay on the side of caution.

Anyhow, I was not able to convince this particular employee to _________. It happens. We’re HR professionals, not magicians.

I had to give the Division Director where this employee works the bad news, and he was not happy about it. He got this pouty boy face, and he looked like a little boy having a tantrum. I kept saying to him, “Let’s go talk to Jane Doe (our HR Director).” I kept telling him that I wanted to help him fix the situation. He was not responding to me, so I just left him in the middle of the HR area while I left to talk to Jane.

Later, after everything calmed down, people said that I handled the Division Director very well. People also mentioned that he was yelling, and I just don’t remember that. But more than one person mentioned that to me. I wish I could recall more of the situation. I hate that I don’t remember all of it. Heck, I didn’t even know that I didn’t remember all of it.

I felt wired the rest of the day, and I could tell I was jacked up on adrenalin, another clue that something happened. I got home, and went to bed early, and even slept in late. Those are signs that I was triggered, and likely dissociative on Friday.

Feels like a case of good news/bad news.

 

?!?!?!?!?!

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I have to get rid of the cacophony of noise in my head. Everyone is all stirred up, and I am out of options for calming everyone down. It’s times like this that I really wonder why I try so hard. I used to drink to get rid of the triggers. I had sex to excess, and that addiction helped me ignore the dissociation. Four years ago I gave up drinking and addictive sex. Now that I don’t have those crutches everything is horribly visible to me. I can hear and feel everything. In a way I am glad I did not have the knowledge of how it would be at the time I decided to quit. I may not have quit if I had known it would be like this.

The truth is that I am just holding on, and I am not even sure why. Why hold on? So that I can be in the same damn spot a year from now?

Someone inside of me wants to die, and I have to tell you that it becomes harder and harder to talk sense into them. I just numbly ignore the desire and go about my day, but it’s always there in the back of my head, gnawing and wanting to be done.

It is all a ruse, an act. I’m hardly sane. I just go through the motions, acting the part of normal human being. But, really, it is not real. What is real is in my head, and it is not for public consumption. It’s hardly for my own consumption.

I feel like I am out of options, out of choices. I see Doc in the morning. Whoop de doo. I’m not happy with him either.

I have to sleep, and I am not up for it. I am even annoying myself with how much of a prickly pear I am today.

God, give me a clue as to what I am supposed to be doing because I have no flipping idea.

My name Letty

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Ok, I know I already talked today. But I have more to say to you guys. Beatriz let me get back on again, but she says we need to go to sleep soon. Anyways, I wanted to tell you guys about my name. My name Letty stands for Let me! You know, like

Let Me Go

Let Me Out of Here

Let Me Be

Let Me Alone

Get it?

BUT we are not telling Doc my name. He wants to know. I won’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Please.

Ok, Beatriz says it’s bedtime. Bummer. I HATE bedtime big time, like huge big time. I wish bedtime did not exist. EVER. Beatriz says she understands but we still have to go to bed because she has to work. She has to work so that we can buy food and pay for our apartment. I like our apartment but I don’t like us to be alone in it.

Alright now I really gotta go. Beatriz says that if I don’t go right now I won’t get to play with my new Strawberry Shortcake app in bed. So I better go.

Bye bye

Sincerely,

Letty