Category Archives: friendship

Once again, it has been a while

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Although it has been a much longer while since I had any contact with my long ago lost friend, Michael. I should back up a bit. Thursday night, my wife and I were discussing the fact that I’ve had many Michaels in my life. And suddenly the last name of my dear friend in college surfaced in my memory. I had been trying to recall his last name for many years.

I did something that I’m sure many of us have done, I searched for his name within Facebook. Given his unique last name and general idea of the region where he likely lived, I found him in less than 3 minutes. When I find a memory that has any teeth I latch on to it for dear life, and immediately get into investigator mode because memories can be fleeting for me. As fast as they may appear, they are also quick to evaporate. As soon a memory lands on me I immediately try to get it down somewhere, whether it’s on a piece of paper, a napkin, a text or email to myself–I jump into action. And I was not going to lose this one as it had eluded me for years.

I messaged him, and said something half-awkward like, “This is X, and I think you’re the Michael that worked at X with me in the 1990s while we attended x university at the same time …” It was something to that effect. To my surprise, he replied almost immediately with surprising joy at hearing from me. He said he had looked for me for years. My Facebook name is slightly different from my first name, it’s a nickname of my first name. And I made my Facebook profile private in that it does not come up in searches. I clearly recall making these choices in circa 2008 when I set up my profile because at that time I was still hearing from an ex with whom I had severed ties in late fall 2005/winter 2006. Yes, years later I was still hearing from this person. Ironically, my love addicted relationship with this ex is what led to me unconsciously leaving my friendship with Michael in the late 1990’s. And years later, my efforts to keep myself safe from her still continued to provide an obstacle to us finding each other sooner.

My dissociative identity disorder (DID) has mechanisms that I am still discovering, like the ability to leave a friendship, many friendships if I think about it, and not have the conscious awareness that I was doing that. Once I connected with Michael, I sat on the couch and thought about our friendship, the little I could recall. And that was sad to me as well because I know there is so much more that is not known to me at the moment.

We FaceTimed on Friday for an hour, and it was like no time had passed with the ease in which we spoke with each other. I didn’t yet tell him I have DID. Felt like too big a share for the first conversation. I did tell him I got sober in 2008, and he revealed to me he got sober in 1999. It was equal parts joy and sadness speaking with him. Having him right before me on the screen made it very real that this was a friend I walked away from over 25 years ago. He had many questions about why our friendship evaporated. I did my best to explain that I was not aware of how mired I was in my love addicted relationship at the time. I was so deep in that relationship that I left other friendships because my ex made it a negative experience any time I interacted with anyone but her. Without even being aware of these choices, I eventually dropped all of my friendships during that time. If it had been pointed out to me back then I am sure I would have given an angry retort that this was not happening, that people’s lives were just going in different directions. I can recall how stubborn I was to hear anything that contradicted my ideas/views on how things were in my life.

Michael talked about events that I did not recall, happy, mundane things like going for coffee and spending time at each other’s apartments. I treasure the friendship we had because I know it was safe, that he was safe. And back then I was not good at choosing safe people. We were each other’s fans, and such goofy friends. We would make up words, usually about gross things, just because we could.

To my surprise, I have found myself crying in small spurts since i’ve spoken to him. It’s like a delayed decades long response to the loss of the friendship back then. Even writing this I can feel myself get teary again.

I used to believe that my DID was only keeping me from bad memories. I have learned this week there is good I’ve lost as well.

People are my problem and my solution

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I have a people problem, always have for as long as I can remember. People were certainly part of my traumatic history, and that set me up for building walls around people without even realizing it. I can walk by people without even acknowledging them, even if I know them. My instinct is to not be noticed. It doesn’t always occur to me to say “good morning” or “good night” to folks. I grew up trying to get by without being noticed because being noticed often meant trouble.

It’s taken me years of observation to figure out that my natural way of being does not serve me well. A few years ago I was visiting with a Mexican family that had young children. When company would visit the kids knew they were expected to say hello and greet their guests. One day I was there when one of their young sons just was not in the mood for it, and his mother told him, “Saludale! (Greet them). And later I heard her privately explain to him that it’s considered rude not to greet guests. And in that moment I realized this child and I were learning something important, that you greet guests! So simple, yet not always present in my awareness that I need to do this.

Many of the friends I have made in my life have come from other more outgoing friends making introductions. Meeting my future wife came out of an outgoing friend introducing us with no preamble before she did it, and I often wonder if it’s because she knew I would have foolishly fled the scene if I knew an introduction to a stranger was on the horizon. When I ask my would be cupid friend if she introduced us this way on purpose she just gets coy and smiles, never giving me a straight answer, which just adds to the joy of the story.

I instinctively run from people, yet I need people in this life. And I often disadvantage myself all on my own in this realm. I have to make myself say hello and good night to folks. I have a colleague who can be very effusive when she speaks with folks, and I thought to myself that cannot possibly work. I thought surely people would find it a bit much. But I tried it on during interviews I facilitate in my job, and oh my, it works. Tell a person that you are so thankful they set time aside to meet with you, and you are happy to have a chance to speak with them just works wonders with getting folks comfortable. You would think I promised them the universe. Much to my surprise, as I express gratitude more and more during these interviews I’ve found myself truly feeling gracious for their time.

I have learned that I need to continue to watch and observe those that are more successful with people than me because I do not know crap about how to interact with others. I like to think I do, but I do not. I only know how to speak clearly, calmly and directly. It’s became painfully clear to me that I cannot trust my assessment of how to interact with others. My instinct is to stay home all day and speak to no one, that is my default mode that I fight every day.

You thought you wanted to know

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So far this evening, you’ve had an orange, chocolate sprinkled nonpareils, and you just finished watching an episode of NCIS. You even looked up the best keyboard case for an Ipad mini 4. An important question–Do you even own an Ipad mini 4? No, you do not. But, you learned the best keyboard case is from logitech.

Why all the procrastination?

You do not know how to write about devastation. You only know how it feels, but you cannot tell anyone what it is.

This devastation cannot be named, described, nor can it be identified. You only know that some people from your past make you want to run, and hide and disappear. But, you do not now why. All you know is how you feel.

There’s also a devastation in seeing friends from high school on Facebook, and knowing you were friends with them, but you do not know why or how you became friends. You only know you were friends because when you see their name you smile, and feel warm inside. You finally admit all this to one particular friend you feel most at ease with. She is supportive, and proceeds to tell you how the two of you became friends. It was in Honors English in high school, and you both shared a love of books and writing. She tells you stories about your senior Honors English teacher, and how you asked her to suggest additional books to you, and that you were the best writer in class.

You knock your memory bank around in your head trying to find the story she’s telling you, a story that you lived. But, it’s not there. No matter how hard you close your eyes, concentrate, and try to find the memories of knowing this friend, alas, the memories are not there. You thought this would be a happy thing, hearing about your friendship with this person. But, it brings a sadness you do not expect.

You always wanted someone to accept you as you are, have the ability to hear about you as you. But your heart cannot hear about happy stories you lived that you cannot recall. You thought this was a good idea, but instead it’s your own secret devastation.

Today’s post is written in response to Today’s Daily Prompt.