measures of success

Measure of Success

I shouldn’t be on here writing. I really need to be grocery shopping and getting ready for my work meeting tomorrow. But I found that I’ve been staring off into space for at least 3o minutes, so I might as well be somewhat productive by writing.

It’s been a tough handful of days, but I think today has been the hardest thus far. I wasn’t able to get to sleep until after 5 am! Then I slept until 1:20 pm! I think I was terrified to sleep because I’ve been having nightmares, and it’s also the dreaded anniversary time. Tuesday is the actual anniversary date, but I can feel the build up. I’ve known peeps that have said to me, “Well, don’t acknowledge it. Let it be any other day.”

Brilliant! Why didn’t I think of that? Let’s just find the automatic shut-off system to my brain. If it were only so simple. I would welcome the opportunity to let the day pass on by like any other.

I can tell I’m losing time here and there. For example, yesterday I needed to mail a book back that I rented. I told myself I needed to get the packing tape and book out of my office to package the book to mail it back to Barnes and Noble. I went to my office, and could not find the tape and the book. I then came back out to the living room to see both items sitting on the coffee table. I had just been sitting near the coffee table when I got up to go to the office.  Seeing both items on the coffee table gave me the heebs. I have no memory of retrieving those items. Dissociation time is upon me! It’s a scary thing to feel that you cannot trust your brain.

Everything is in slow motion today, like the fast forward button on the DVR is stuck on super slow. Today I managed to get dishes in the dishwasher, and that felt like a ridiculous victory. Then I picked up my laundry from the laundromat, and felt victorious again. Kinda funny since I didn’t even wash or fold the clothes. I just picked them up, but that feat took me 2 hours to complete. Waking up, making myself get out of bed, talking myself into facing the day, getting ready, etc. All of that took two hours!

My measures of success change depending on how I’m doing.

(Photo credit: hijukal)

14 thoughts on “measures of success

  1. my heart goes out to you and i can relate, i keep thinking i’m lazy because everything always feel like an effort for me…i really feel for you in struggling to sleep. sending virtual hugs your way. take one moment at a time.

  2. Good for you for doing what you could today. I know how tough it can be – just keep working on your recovery and be patient with yourself. You’re processing alot of pain, so it makes sense you’ll have a hard time…There’s no shame in struggling – it’s a process, right? Take good care of yourself…like you would your own child. You’re surely worth the loving. 🙂

  3. My coping skill is a bit different to the suggested try to switch off so I will share it in case it might work for you too.. I found when I had a dreaded anniversary coming up if I gave it time and pre lived it somewhat.. going through the emotions a week or 2 ahead. crying the tears, writing down the thoughts, processing it. even purposely letting off somwe triggers and dealing with it like reading a book that was painful or looking at pictures. when the actual day came it was still rough but the sting in its tail had gone. I had disarmed it somewhat. Just my experience 🙂 wishing you peace x

  4. That is good that you can be flexible with your level of successes. I will be thinking of you tomorrow and holding you in my thoughts. This blog can help be an anchor to keep you here xx

  5. If it makes you feel any better, I can’t even seem to get my own laundry out of the dryer… and mine’s in the house! My kids wind up putting it in my basket, then someone gets tired of looking at it & sets it on my bed. Then I rewash & redry everything again, because the clothes are all wrinkled… and the cycle begins again! Some days motivation just isn’t going to happen. It sounds like you got quite a few things done to me!

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