Life on life’s terms

My life has changed tremendously since I last blogged. I married my lovely wife in May, and I’ve moved to a different part of the country so that we can live together. The hardest part has been quitting a job, a job I loved, that was in a toxic place. So here I sit in Starbucks in a new city with no job. Of my own accord I quit my job to be with my wife. It’s wonderful sharing daily life with her, rather than one of us getting on an airplane every month, sometimes twice a month, to be together.

Though it is stunning to voluntarily place myself among the unemployed. I didn’t plan it this way. I’ve been actively applying for jobs since May, yet this is where I am. It’s rather humbling, and scary. For many years, my identity was wrapped up in my career. I stayed at terrible places for a multitude of reasons: too scared to leave, cared too much about my cases or people I worked with, resignation that nothing out there was better, etc. It was sobering to realize that my place of employment was not worth the suffering.

Even with the disastrous workplace that it was, it was still hard to leave. In any work environment, there are always good people to be found. I will miss the gals I worked with, and the accidental mentors that materialized for me.

Who knows what comes next for me. It could be something completely different. I’ll try to be open to it, and not let my trauma history take over my actions and mind-set. Sending out a prayer to the universe that work will come my way when my bank account needs it.

No People

I don’t know how to get out of the cave in which I’ve ensconced myself. It’s almost painful to be around people right now. Yet, I’m acutely aware that I am very lonely. It’s the frustrating paradox of fear of people, yet that fear has direct roots with my loneliness. I’m on a hamster wheel. Even writing feels like a monumental effort. So many things feel too big, too hard.

I know that part of the challenge comes from discovery of a new part. This new part does not talk, and expresses herself in a very physical way by shaking or pounding her fists into the sofa pillows (better than my legs, thank you). I’m trying to learn to integrate her into the system in a way that works for all of us. It’s a challenge. If I forget about her I pay the price for all of us because she will revolt and run from things that freak her out. So, it’s best that I pay attention. But, I am tired from all of it. Tired from trying, and tired from the nightmares that never truly leave us.

There are bright spots though. I have my beautiful and loving fiance. She is eternally supportive of me. Yet, I worry that my mental health issues will come between us. I’ll keep showing up for us. It is a dream to have her in my life. We met through a mutual friend, and we do not live in the same city. In fact, we live over a thousand miles apart. Some day we will live in the same city, under the same roof. We both have DID, and it seems that we both learn from each other all the time. I am so blessed, and that is why it bothers me that I’m in such a tough place. I know that there are good things in my life. I want to fully enjoy them, yet I am stuck.

The Black Car

I have found my own modern day hermit’s cave, which I call The Black Car. I work, only because I must. And on days when I have to bring the magic in my job I have one of my parts do the heavy lifting. I’ve stopped answering most text messages and phone calls. There are a small few people whom I will reply to or answer calls, but its often painful for me to do so, and I’m usually itching to cease the communication.

Last month I had memories start to come forth, though only slivers of clues that beg further questions. Though enough has come forth that I am constantly stupefied by memories that pour out of my brain at moments when I need my full concentration, usually at work.

I tried explaining to one friend in particular this afternoon why I had been isolating and strugggling. When I told him I had been struggling with memories he just looked at me, and said nothing. And then after an uncomfortable silence he changed the subject altogether. I felt silly sitting there in that sushi restaurant with too many sushi rolls between us, and the cloud of discomfort in the air. The interaction confirmed my instincts for staying hidden away from most people to the extent possible.

I walk around only seeing what is directly in front of me.  An old friend saw me in the tea shop yesterday, and she had to wave me down and say my name loudly to get my attention. I honestly did not see her sitting in close vicinity of me.

I have days where I can fake it very well, when my dear Sabrina can fully come out at work and bring the magic. And then at the end of the day The Black Car is waiting again, and Sabrina has left when she senses that she is no longer needed for work.

The Black Car is a dependable old girl, and she’s always there patiently waiting for the next ride.