This is a blog about PTSD, dissociative identity disorder, recovery from alcoholism, recovery from love addiction, and plain old hard won self-awareness. I like to keep all the updates as they’ve occurred because the chronology is instructive.
Dear reader, you will likely see time gaps between posts and updates. In recent years, I’ve had trouble writing. I don’t fully understand why I’ve had this challenge. I’m trying to be kinder to myself about this fact.
Here’s an update on my parts: (I’ve learned there is much ongoing learning of parts)
Secret is Sally. After many years, I was finally able to hear a name for this part. I believe car trauma is still how this part came to be.
Kayla is a new part to me. I discovered her last October. Too soon to talk about how I came to discover her. She’s in her late teens.
Thank you for visiting my site!
Originally this was a PTSD blog. I thought PTSD was going to be the main focus. However, that idea bit the dust last summer, August 2012, when I discovered that I did not have the whole picture. At that time my psychiatrist gave me the first indication that he thought I might have dissociative identity disorder.
Those of us I’ve discovered thus far:
Letty – 10 years old (she may now be integrated with Ronnie)
Ronnie – 9 years old (originally she appeared much younger, around 6. The theory is that she integrated with Letty, and that is why she now appears 9 years old.)
Belle – her age is difficult to pinpoint, though she does sound like she’s between 8 – 10 years old. She exists to take on the despair and suicidal ideation. Belle holds intense feelings of loneliness, isolation and despair. She is only now learning to feel positive emotions.
Sabrina – late 20’s – early 30’s, the sex addiction and alcoholism likely began with Sabrina
Secret – between 9 – 12 twelve years old, she was apparently created in response to terrifying car situations as a child
I will add alters to this list if/when I discover any others. I hope this blog provides an informative look at one person’s experience with DID.
Original “About” post
I’ve been aware of my PTSD since 2008, and I’ve been in treatment for it since then. I learned that I’ve likely had PTSD since childhood. Until I went into sobriety nearly 4 years ago, I didn’t realize that I had been drinking to self-medicate the effects of my PTSD. I’ve been to outpatient treatment programs, and I’ve even been to McLean Hospital for a residential stay in their trauma disorders program. There is nothing I won’t do to try to recover from this condition.
I’m doing a whole lot better these days. But even with progress, this disease rears it’s head at the most inopportune of times. Unbelievably, I’ve been able to remain employed. I’m a professional working in program operations. I’ve had to take FMLA leave for times I’ve been destabilized. Even with the progress I’ve made, there are still challenges in my day-to-day life. Though I wish it weren’t so. I am writing this blog to give others a window into the daily challenges of someone with PTSD.
it’s not that simple,in fact it is extremely hard work. i live with it too and have since childhood…i’m in therapy that for the first time in my life is a style that is helping me in fact it has changed my life dramatically…i went from barely being able to leave the house two years ago for panic and anxiety to being able to leave without even giving it a thought. i am still a work in progress in lots of areas but this is one of victories! i’m so sorry you too live with this and the reasons i can guess are behind it.
PTSD, what an insidious illness, so hard for others to understand at times.
So all the best to you for writing about your process to recovery, I’m sure many people will be grateful. Me included, Elyn ♡
Hello, I nominated you for the seven things award – http://meandanxiety.wordpress.com/2012/08/13/seven-things-award/ You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to, but it’s to say thanks for welcoming me. Maxi x 🙂
Thank you so much. It is very much appreciated. I’ll formally accept on my blog when I’m feeling better. I’m glad I could make a new blogger feel welcome, as I was made to feel the same way by Bourbon of Crazy in the Coconut when I first came on. It’s great to pay it forward!
You’re welcome and no worries no rush. I’m sorry to hear that you are not feeling well. Yes, she’s also done the same for me which is great. x
So glad you are writing your experience with ptsd. You communicate it well
Thank you so much! I try to share my experience so that it is meaningful to others.
I think we last saw each other in person in 2008. I can’t offer any wise words for much of what you are going through. Just so you know I am here, listening, still very much your friend, and still miss you. You made grad school worth it.
I’ve struggled with PTSD with depression for years. Thank you for writing this blog and calling attention to it. I’m alive to say that there IS a light at the end of the tunnel.
I’m sure you’ve tried EMDR? really tried EMDR…
Yes, right now I’m doing EMDR with my psychiatrist. It’s very interesting.
You are so brave and courageous to share your journey!
B, I want you to know I appreciate you and your blog very much. You’ve inspired me with your strength and courage though at times you may think you lack both. My friend, it takes courage for people like us to wake up every day and face a brand new day. You taught me that. Here’s a token of my friendship and admiration for you…
I will make sure Beatriz knows you did this for her. Thank you. I also like reading your blog. You’re nice and funny. Beatriz is having a hard time right now. I am glad you found our blog because you are nice to us.
Letty – 10 years old
I nominated you for “The Very Inspiring Blogger Award.” Here’s the link to the post! ;
Cheers & have a great day!
Well! I am glad I follow your blog! I have been sober 25 years, thought I had “dealt with,” these issues in ACA 20 years ago. I was diagnosed with severe clinical depression 2.5 years ago. I have a blog for people in sobriety who suffer from depression, which i believe comes from those “deep seated emotional conflicts,” that came from my childhood.
I support you on your journey. If there is anything I can to help you, please let me know.
I’ve just come across your blog today so I thought I’d comment to say Hello. I find blogging is really helpful in dealing with my own stuff (depression, anxiety and PTSD type symptoms.) It is great to see you are trying everything you can in your recovery from PTSD. Take care,
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Thanks for showing interest in my blog. But, I would love to take a moment and appreciate you for all the hard work and courage to share your journey with the world. Keep writing. You are sure an inspiration! 🙂
Thanks for dropping by, and I look forward to reading more of your cooking blog posts. Thanks so much for the support, and I am glad I found your blog.
Pleasure is always mine… keep up the great work ….
Here’s to one of the fabulous blogs!! I am passing on the “Dragon’s Loyalty Award” to you! Keep rocking and visit this page.
Great, brave blog. I admire you for writing it.
Keep it up,
Thank you for stopping by. I am so glad to have discovered your blog as well. Your Carne Adovada recipe is right on the money.
I have nominated you for the Liebster Award for your continued help to others with PTSD within the blog word. Find out the rules and questions for you HERE:
I really like your blog; I’m studying psychology so everything you write is extremely interesting! I wish you all the best with your journey and admire you for writing about it. Not a lot of people take to the internet to write about their mental illnesses, so it’s cool that you are sharing yours.
Thanks for dropping by my blog! Most appreciated that you found me, and you’re reading my blog.