It got better

Today is better. Thank you all for the support yesterday. I think the heat was initially triggering, and then going from being around a great group of people nearly every waking hour for a week to being essentially alone was a bit much for the system, the peeps.

A special shout out to K for the unexpected reach out from yesterday’s post. Thanks for helping me get grounded again. It’s what I needed.

There was a bit of dissociative sleeping last night, but it was fairly tolerable.

I got to Doc’s office, and the moment I saw him I knew that something was awry. I barely sat down when he informed me that my insurance company was requesting documentation for all of my May sessions for payment consideration. Apparently, the last time this happened with a different client the company did not pay for the sessions. He looked very concerned.

Then I was gone. Just gone. The world started to narrow on me. Doc started to sound like he was far, far away. The fear of having to find the money to pay him for those sessions, and the fear of no longer having the insurance company pay for the bulk of the sessions terrified me. It was like the floor dropped out from under me.

I could hear Doc calling my name, but it was like he was calling me softly from the next room, instead of right in front of me. I knew he was trying to reach me, but I could not respond. I wanted to respond, but was unable to do so. Then this voice I did not quite recognize came out of me, and started crying, crying and talking about not wanting to be here.

The voice was somewhere between belonging to Belle or Ronnie, I’m not sure which. Doc asked me, ” Who is this?” I did not know, and Belle/Ronnie said so. This voice somewhere around 8 – 9 years old was freaked out about being alone, as she often was as a child. She talked about being alone in the dark. She did not like the dark. Even writing this is making me feel anxious.

Doc then reassured us that we would work something out regardless of the insurance company, that he wasn’t going anywhere. He then asked if he could speak with me, and the voice said sure, and I was back. I was there the whole time, just aside during the interaction.

Doc asked me who came out. I told him I did not know. I could not tell if it was Belle or Ronnie, specifically because the darkness reminded me of Belle, but the age reminded me of Ronnie. I got the impression he either did not believe me, or was confused by what I said. Hell, I’m often confused by the whole thing myself. Even tonight I’m still not sure who was out this morning during the session. The rest of the day I had that feeling that one has when they had themselves a good cry, tired and embarrassed.

The day improved after that.

7 thoughts on “It got better

  1. Not knowing who is out is very common for me! I think it might be important though for you to ask him about this… about whether he’s confused or doesn’t believe you because those kinds of lingering thoughts can be damaging to the therapeutic relationship xx

    • Hi Bourbon,

      Yes, you and I are on the same wavelength. I’ve been thinking about it since I wrote that post, and I plan on asking him about it tomorrow. It is important to check this kinds of things out. We’ll see how it goes …

  2. Pingback: A Year in the Life of PTSD

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