I received a mysterious text from my mother, though when I read it my assessment is that my stepfather likely typed it. It just doesn’t “sound” like her, and I’m pretty good at assessing things such as this.
Apparently they are going to be within 200 miles of me the first week of August for a memorial service for a family member whom I never met. I think it’s a great uncle. It looks like they want me to come see them when they are in the vicinity. I guess 200 miles is considered the vicinity when they are usually over 2,200 miles away.
For some reason I felt bad looking at that text, like I’m cruelly rejecting them. I consulted with my sister, Cate, and she advised not to go. She pointed out that they were never there for me when I needed them. She doesn’t have to worry about this as she lives clear across the country, nowhere near me. I know she’s right. Annoyingly, she is always right. It’s not that I want to see them, not at all. The guilt just sometimes haunts me, and I wish I could shake it.
In writing this post I’ve also realized that this text may be the reason I had such a hard time Sunday and parts of Monday. I received the text on Sunday, but promptly forgot about it. But I think others did not forget about it.
I take no pleasure in ignoring my mother and stepfather. But that’s how it has to be.
A Year in the Life of PTSD 
No kidding … It is really hard an people don’t understand and you feel like because you’re the child you have some obligation. Well you don’t you are another person an just happen to have similar blood in your veins yet depending on blood type you could have the same blood as many people. Also, it is hard to redefine “family” especially when it is not traditional. What is your definition of family??
You are so right. People often don’t understand. I see family as those that I deem as worthy of being called my family. I have dear friends that I consider family. Relation has no bearing on the family label for me.
i totally understand, i have no contact with my family either. they’re toxic and it’s not good for me, but I take no pleasure in it. I like you struggle with guilt but also grief. xo
Yes, at a certain point one has to put an end to the toxicity. I get it, and understand.
I have faced this countless times and have outright rejected invitations to meet my mother and sister whenever they visit London. I have seen Mum twice in 7 years, 2 hours each time.
The guilt is enormous, even though we know it is best for us. I often wonder why mum wants to meet me in the first place. There is little contact for months at a time and, if anything is wrong, she stays well clear.
To me, it feels like a test “prove your love” – it is something she wants even more because she can’t get it.
I am coming from a slightly different angle – in that I would like to try building some kind of relationship with my parents – somehow find forgiveness. I must say, this is a selfish act and is more about bringing me peace of mind than bringing them pleasure
Hi Cat, I get that guilt. I realize your angle is slightly different, but the pain is the same for you as well.