As usual, I woke up from a night of nightmares. I did not sleep well last night, and had to take a long nap from 11:00 – 2:00 today. Then, even during that nap, I nightmared again!
I took a shower to try to shake the dissociation, and then took myself out to eat a late lunch/early dinner. I didn’t know what to call the meal, just knew I was in need of one.
By the time I finished eating I realized that I could actually make the Sunday AA women’s meeting that I attended last Sunday. Without giving it another thought I drove there, and this time I rushed right in instead of hiding out in the bathroom.
As I listened during the sharing part of the meeting, some folks started talking about topics that were triggering to me. However, I was able to remain grounded. I refused to give in to the dissociation that was coming over me. Oddly, a number of people were talking about difficult mothers, a topic which many of you know has been on my mind lately. Then, one woman talked about her daughter in a way that my mother would likely talk about me. I felt myself get floaty, but I told myself that this was her experience, not mine, and I did not have to internalize it.
Again, I did not speak at the meeting as I was often struggling just to be present, and I did fly out as soon as the meeting was over. But, I went to the meeting, attended it, stayed present, and didn’t hide in the bathroom. Perhaps next week I’ll speak in some way, either introduce myself to someone or share during the meeting.
I nibbled at the edges again!