Many times I think PTSD is this thing where we have to nibble at the edges. It’s not something that we can stamp out with a hammer. Otherwise, we would have done so already.
I often forget that I am a person that is worthy of people. I get stuck in that little girl place in my mind when my mother wouldn’t let me have people over to the house, or wouldn’t let me go to a friend’s house. It was all so weird, and I didn’t understand what the issue was for her. I just got the message that I was not supposed to have friends. She seemed happier when I didn’t socialize.
I need to get rid of that message that was embedded in my brain by her actions because it is not serving me well. Today I almost declined spending time with a friend for no good reason, other than the fact that I’ve grown so used to being alone. And I am very glad that I fought against that message in my head that I am not good enough. As soon as I woke up this morning, there it was, telling me that I’m not good enough, and that I shouldn’t be on this earth. Every single morning I have to fight this thought I have first thing upon waking. Some days I give a better fight than others.
Today I initially laid in my bed, and found myself feeling floaty, and depressive. Finally, after 30 minutes of that I launched myself out of bed, and decided that, yes, I was going to go see my friend Ron. It would be good for me.
As I drove to Ron’s house I started to feel better, and by the time I arrived I knew I made the right decision.
Today I nibbled at the edges.
Photo credit: yuan2003