Nibbling at the edges

Nibbles with Nut

Many times I think PTSD is this thing where we have to nibble at the edges. It’s not something that we can stamp out with a hammer. Otherwise, we would have done so already.

I often forget that I am a person that is worthy of people. I get stuck in that little girl place in my mind when my mother wouldn’t let me have people over to the house, or wouldn’t let me go to a friend’s house. It was all so weird, and I didn’t understand what the issue was for her. I just got the message that I was not supposed to have friends. She seemed happier when I didn’t socialize.

I need to get rid of that message that was embedded in my brain by her actions because it is not serving me well. Today I almost declined spending time with a friend for no good reason, other than the fact that I’ve grown so used to being alone. And I am very glad that I fought against that message in my head that I am not good enough. As soon as I woke up this morning, there it was, telling me that I’m not good enough, and that I shouldn’t be on this earth. Every single morning I have to fight this thought I have first thing upon waking. Some days I give a better fight than others.

Today I initially laid in my bed, and found myself feeling floaty, and depressive. Finally, after 30 minutes of that I launched myself out of bed, and decided that, yes, I was going to go see my friend Ron. It would be good for me.

As I drove to Ron’s house I started to feel better, and by the time I arrived I knew I made the right decision.

Today I nibbled at the edges.

Photo credit: yuan2003

13 thoughts on “Nibbling at the edges

  1. It’s funny that you say you weren’t supposed to have friends, weren’t supposed to have people over. I was raised in the same kind of expected self isolation. No one came to my house when I was young. I still need to remind myself that what I grew up with was not normal, and seekking normalcy means going outside of the comfort zone.

  2. i hope you are really proud! i sure am proud of you! when you do struggle, picture me in a cheerleader outfit with pompoms, doing a “you’re good enough” cheer on your shoulder! 😉
    i know you don’t know what i look like but everyone has an imagination right?!

  3. That is so great! To actively jump out of bed and fight — a huge feat in my mind right now. I’m so happy you were rewarded with a good time. Yes keep nibbling and it’ll all be gone before you know it xx

  4. Pingback: Still nibbling … | A Year in the Life of PTSD

  5. Hello,
    What a great decision! Good for you for jumping out of bed and moving yourself out of that space. Been there a million times myself, and I’ve noticed the quicker and more often I jump, the easier it gets…but, boy, does my bed feel like it has extra gravity or something…

    By the way, thanks for following my blog. I’ve always loved writing but I’m brand-spanking new in this world of blogging. I’ve enjoyed connecting with people like you who I can relate to and learn from.

    I’m looking forward to reading more about you and your experiences. Thanks for sharing.

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