Your mother was famous for threatening to kill herself. This happened at least weekly while you were a little girl growing up.
You’re setting the table, but you drop the pitcher, and it breaks.
“God dammit, I should kill myself! This family doesn’t care about me.”
You burn the steaks while grilling them.
“Nobody cares about me! I should die!”
You refuse to be confirmed as a Catholic because you’ve discovered you don’t believe in Catholicism.
“You’re going to hell! I should just die! Just Die!”
The trouble was that you found yourself wishing that she would go away in whatever form, as it was a personal hell listening to all the threats, so much so that you felt responsible for all of it.
When you hear that a friend is struggling with suicidal ideation you just want to run, flee. The whole concept gives you the willies, and you feel hypocritical for that because you also struggle with the very same thing. You want to be there for them, but it’s not possible, and it’s heart breaking.
You love seeing and hearing happy children out in the world. You study their faces intently for any clues, and you detect that their parents don’t threaten to kill themselves.
You hope you never speak to your mother again as long as you live. You’ve nothing constructive to say to her.
A Year in the Life of PTSD 
that would be soo hard! i spent most of my life wishing my father and mother would split up and he would go away forever…they are still together some 46 years later, (i’m not 46 yet!) now i hate that i feel this way but i wish they were gone. it’s really good that you know you can’t help this friend because you know what you can handle. i’m sorry you’re heart is aching so.
Hi,
Yes, I do feel bad when I can’t be there for others, especially because I know what it’s like to not have others there when you need them. I know I wouldn’t be of good help to be there when I could get triggered. Still, it’s hard. I understand not being comfortable with feelings one has about their parents. It’s hard, very hard.
Thanks.
i was just thinking, you are being there for her by not being there…does that make sense?
it is really hard. xo
This just seems so scary. No one should have to live with this. Reading this gave me goosebumps. Sorry doesn’t even really feel like the appropriate word to use here.
Hi Maria,
Thanks, I was just in a bad place thinking about my mother. I’d honestly rather not think about her.
(((hugs))) a very gut wrenching post. X
Thanks, Bourbon. Hugs back!
I had this experience growing up too…and I felt so, SO responsible for her. I still do. It’s exhausting. I’m sorry you had to go through that.
This sounds just like my childhood… it’s eerie…
“When you hear that a friend is struggling with suicidal ideation you just want to run, flee.”
I feel the same way. It’s a huge huge trigger for me, and I completely dissociate when this happens.