No God

Today, for the first time in my life, I admitted that I believe that God does not like me, does not care for me. It’s not something that is easy to admit, but it is true that this is how I feel, what I believe. I want the truth to be otherwise.

An hour passed since I wrote the paragraph above.

The realization that there is not one thing I would do in the world for my mother and stepfather is painful for me. I’ve tried and tried to search in my heart for feeling for them, but there is none to be had. I come up empty every single time.

When friends shake their heads at this fact I want shake them back and yell, “Don’t you know that I wish I could find a shred of feeling for them?! It is painful to feel nothing for one’s parents. The guilt is immense.”

If you blow out a candle enough times you eventually will be unable to relight it. You can only relight it so many times. My parents extinguished the light long ago. I’ve tried to relight it for them to no avail.

When the light was extinguished for my parents it seems that God blew out my candle as well.

13 thoughts on “No God

  1. admitting how you really feel is a huge step forward! also let people shake their heads, i’ve l learned that true friends, while they may not be able to understand if they haven’t been there will support you and love you where you’re at. i spent years dealing with shaking heads, i’m thinking they must be pretty dizzy by now! 😉

  2. I’m so sorry for how you’re feeling. Incan feel your pain through your gifted writing. Guilt is a terrible burden, but this guilt you describe is certainly not yours to carry. There is no shame in truth. Try to be easy in yourself as you reach for real love..maybe knowing what it isn’t is the quickest path to discovering what it is. I pray you come to know that Love. It is real. And it is for you, too. Hugs to you.

  3. I’m sorry you’re feeling so lost and guilty, and it’s not fair that you should feel guilty because it seems like they’re the ones who should be feeling guilty. Sending love to you x x

  4. I don’t mean to be insensitive so please feel free to just ignore this comment if it does come out insensitively…. but do you think that maybe you are projecting your own feelings about yourself onto how you believe God feels about you? xx

  5. I’ve experienced that exact same feeling! I could not understand how God would let certain things happen, so I just stopped believing. It was easier to let go & quit trying to wrap my head around all of that. I’m not saying there is no God, but I’m not saying there is one either. I’m agnostic. If He’s there, great… but I’ve got a life to live, and I’m going to be a good person because it feels right. Not so I can get to heaven. Some people really lean on God and it helps them. For me it was more helpful to let go, and stop wondering what He thought of me.

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