To the one who has no idea

It’s 2 am, and I am wide awake. The start of this vacation has not been as restful and peaceful as I had hoped. Unfortunately, I think I know why. I like you, and you have no idea.

Not sure how much longer I can hear about your eharmony questions, or your questions about what to wear on your next date. Yes, part of me loves that you ask me, but another part of me does not like the fact that there is even a need for the conversation. Though it was amusing to get an anxious text from you with a picture of a couple of sets of your shoes asking for help. Even more amusing is that I was the inspiration behind this statement in your eharmony profile, “If you say that a food is the worst thing you’ve ever eaten, I will want to try it.” I think it’s crazy and funny that you put such a thing in your profile. And, yes, I maintain the particular diner on Broadway that I pointed out to you is among the worst. Or course, now you want to eat there. Why do I want to go there with you?

Nearly everyday you and I communicate with each other. Do you realize that when you seriously start dating someone our relationship cannot continue on the level that it is? I find it hard to believe that whomever you date would find it acceptable for you to have such a close friendship with me. You can call it fellowship, or whatever you want to label our relationship, but, mark my words, this will end as soon as you start seriously dating someone.

And with that, I cherish the early morning breakfasts with you at the diner. You are the only one for whom I would wake up early for a 7:30 a.m. breakfast on the weekend. I rather like that we practically have the place to ourselves at that early hour. I never like when life gets in the way, and we have to skip a weekend. Remember, these breakfasts with me will end when you find the one because she will expect that you will be dining with her, instead of me, and rightly so.

You spent Father’s day with me, always a hard day. Thank you for that.

I like that when I told you I have DID you said to me, “I only know what Hollywood has shown … or is it like Hollywood?” The sweet sincerity of the question made me laugh when you asked.

You’ve seen me as another alter, and you didn’t freak out or run away. In fact, you seemed to process it as not a big deal. Most importantly, you’ve remained my friend.

I like that we can laugh about my DID. While hiking you posed the possibility of going off the trails. I think you said this in jest, though it is hard to know with you. I put the kibosh on that idea, and said I had never done that. You turned to me, and with a sparkle in your eye, you said, “YOU can never say that.” I laughed right out loud. I never dreamt that there would be a day that I would laugh about my DID.

We don’t have a lot in common. In fact, we have quite a few differences. I like Kripalu as much as you like Vegas. You admittedly rarely read for pleasure, and you say you are not a “word person.”

But, I like who you are … the dramatic, kind, funny, loud person that you are through and through.

Though you cannot know how I feel about you. I do not want to face the prospect of not having you as a friend. Your friendship means too much to me. And so, I will continue to try to look unaffected when you talk about your latest date. I will glance at your hands, and try not to think about touching them. There’s a reason we have those awkward moments when it looks like I want to hug you, but don’t.

4 thoughts on “To the one who has no idea

  1. Admittedly, I have one of these too. He hugged me the other day. Though my body hurts to the touch I didn’t resist. What I wanted to do was keep holding on but in the middle of that environment I could not. For him it was a friendly hug, for me it was torture.
    Sometimes guys are completely oblivious to what we feel. They have to be told straight out. They have to be knocked in the head sometimes to get the hint that an awkward silence is never really silent at all.
    I could feel the hurt in this entry. I guess when I read the other entry I knew you liked him. I thought he liked you too, but maybe since no move was made he decided a computer would bring him someone. But when I read the other entries I thought to myself, this is a match waiting to happen. He’s gentle with her, takes careful time with her, really talks to her and reassures her.
    My fellow blogger, if this was a girl doing these things I’d think she was just a good friend but when a man, a grown man does these things for the opposite sex it is not just for friendship. The man likes you. He talked to you on the phone after a trigger at a meeting. He carefully made certain you understood he wasn’t leaving just because you switched during the meeting. He reminded you that he’s moving closer to you and that y’all will regularly have ‘Breakfast at Tiffany’s’.
    I don’t pretend to understand men. I don’t. I think those creatures are complex in ways that I can not understand which is why it’s so difficult for me to know that there is one who has my heart….and yet he doesn’t know it. He hasn’t shown interest like your person though. Your person has a pattern of interest. What you’ve described isn’t normal guy/girl friendship. He likes you. You like him. No one is admitting it…..well, except on a blog. 🙂


    • Hi Faith,

      Thank you for the very kind and thoughtful reply.

      I must say though that I took a chance because I could no longer stand the ambiguity. AND … no dice! He does not feel the same way. Guess it’s in my imagination.

      It is confusing though. What compelled me to tell him was our latest venture out. We went out for sushi and had a hilariously good time. We sure do have a lot of fun together. Honestly, I think it’s the DID.

      I’m typically not a bitter person in life, but I am afraid that I may become this way. Because I can very clearly see the things I miss out on because of DID. I try not to think about it because my brain just shuts down, and I start to feel hopeless like there is no hope for more for me.

      I have to stop writing because I am sitting here in coffee shop just silently crying.

      • Nooooo, something’s not right. His behavior says one thing but his voice another. Argh!!!

        I have no idea if its because of the DID but what I do know is he takes pain staking steps to support you and be your friend. I say let the matter rest a bit and don’t lose hope on it.

        Let him think about what you’ve said, it may at least get him to realize how much he’s already invested in the friendship and how it is that your feelings moved from friendship to more. Truthfully, guys can be blind to what is right in front of them, They often miss clues because they are from Mars and we are from Venus. We think differently, its a fact. It might take him a second to go, wait a minute, my behavior DOES SAY what one thing and my actions another.

        Girl, relationships are confusing anyway. I don’t know that DID has stopped a person from finding a good, loving mate. Even if it’s not him, DID won’t stop you from finding a good mate nor will it stop you from enjoying life. Things will be very, very hard in the beginning but they do get better. They really do.

        We are not immune to life issues. Along with DID we get to struggle with our emotions, with trust and relationships just like everyone else. We get to be part of statistics that say we need to communicate better and exercise more, eat better, get more sleep, etc. etc. We have the same life issues as others (including being confused by men).

        DID is a part of your life, not all of it. Along with DID we grow older, have physical issues, money issues, maybe addiction issues, parental relationships, on and on. Because we have DID we are not exempt from missing out on opportunities because our attention was some place else. Because we have DID we are not exempt from rejection, negative influences with friends or any other thing that is NORMAL in life. Please do not think that DID is the source of your problems. It is, right now, a problem but it is not who you are and it does not have to be the main factor that shapes your future.

        Be well,

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