So far this evening, you’ve had an orange, chocolate sprinkled nonpareils, and you just finished watching an episode of NCIS. You even looked up the best keyboard case for an Ipad mini 4. An important question–Do you even own an Ipad mini 4? No, you do not. But, you learned the best keyboard case is from logitech.
Why all the procrastination?
You do not know how to write about devastation. You only know how it feels, but you cannot tell anyone what it is.
This devastation cannot be named, described, nor can it be identified. You only know that some people from your past make you want to run, and hide and disappear. But, you do not now why. All you know is how you feel.
There’s also a devastation in seeing friends from high school on Facebook, and knowing you were friends with them, but you do not know why or how you became friends. You only know you were friends because when you see their name you smile, and feel warm inside. You finally admit all this to one particular friend you feel most at ease with. She is supportive, and proceeds to tell you how the two of you became friends. It was in Honors English in high school, and you both shared a love of books and writing. She tells you stories about your senior Honors English teacher, and how you asked her to suggest additional books to you, and that you were the best writer in class.
You knock your memory bank around in your head trying to find the story she’s telling you, a story that you lived. But, it’s not there. No matter how hard you close your eyes, concentrate, and try to find the memories of knowing this friend, alas, the memories are not there. You thought this would be a happy thing, hearing about your friendship with this person. But, it brings a sadness you do not expect.
You always wanted someone to accept you as you are, have the ability to hear about you as you. But your heart cannot hear about happy stories you lived that you cannot recall. You thought this was a good idea, but instead it’s your own secret devastation.
Today’s post is written in response to Today’s Daily Prompt.
A Year in the Life of PTSD 
You lived those things. They must be hidden away in memory somewhere, especially if they were pleasant experiences for you. Not remembering them is absolutely devastating. I know. I’ve had the experience of not remembering people from high school who tell me now that we were really good friends. Were we? Or is that only the person’s memory of it? I’ve learned just how tricky and slippery memory can be at times. Clearly, I did not have the emotional connection to them that they had to me. I play along anyway. Through them, perhaps I can learn more about myself.