One never knows what comes next

This southern city is not my cup of tea. It’s no Earl Grey latte, hell, it’s not even a Starbucks hot black tea. Still though, I cannot ignore the fact that I’m getting signs from the universe that I am right where I should be.

I landed a job in my field. Pays abysmally less than I made in my prior job with the same experience. But, I’ve met some great people, and become great friends already with one of my colleagues, another proud member of Rainbow Club*.

With some trepidation, I managed to find a DID therapist. She’s crazy expensive, but I can tell she knows what she’s doing. That job I got is not giving me hassle about working from home one day a week so that I can easily go to my sessions. And I can just feel that I’ve reached a new place in my therapeutic process. My last therapist was incredibly supportive of me, but she had no DID experience. I tried a few times to find a therapist in my last city that had DID experience, and it did not go well for many reasons. I sense that it’s time for a new phase in my process, and I’ve found the right person for it. And I am in the right city with the right job and with the right wife to make it all possible.

And, yet, despite all this, I’m aching to ask my new therapist, “It’s all a mistake right, I don’t have this DID thing after all?” The feeling that it’s all made up, and all for attention just permeates my sense of being at times with no warning. It just pops out like a bad, obnoxious pop-up shop on the street with never ending noise and confusion. Then the feeling goes away like it was never there, until it is again.

*Rainbow Club is my own way of describing those of us that identify as LGBTQIA.

Life on life’s terms

My life has changed tremendously since I last blogged. I married my lovely wife in May, and I’ve moved to a different part of the country so that we can live together. The hardest part has been quitting a job, a job I loved, that was in a toxic place. So here I sit in Starbucks in a new city with no job. Of my own accord I quit my job to be with my wife. It’s wonderful sharing daily life with her, rather than one of us getting on an airplane every month, sometimes twice a month, to be together.

Though it is stunning to voluntarily place myself among the unemployed. I didn’t plan it this way. I’ve been actively applying for jobs since May, yet this is where I am. It’s rather humbling, and scary. For many years, my identity was wrapped up in my career. I stayed at terrible places for a multitude of reasons: too scared to leave, cared too much about my cases or people I worked with, resignation that nothing out there was better, etc. It was sobering to realize that my place of employment was not worth the suffering.

Even with the disastrous workplace that it was, it was still hard to leave. In any work environment, there are always good people to be found. I will miss the gals I worked with, and the accidental mentors that materialized for me.

Who knows what comes next for me. It could be something completely different. I’ll try to be open to it, and not let my trauma history take over my actions and mind-set. Sending out a prayer to the universe that work will come my way when my bank account needs it.

No People

I don’t know how to get out of the cave in which I’ve ensconced myself. It’s almost painful to be around people right now. Yet, I’m acutely aware that I am very lonely. It’s the frustrating paradox of fear of people, yet that fear has direct roots with my loneliness. I’m on a hamster wheel. Even writing feels like a monumental effort. So many things feel too big, too hard.

I know that part of the challenge comes from discovery of a new part. This new part does not talk, and expresses herself in a very physical way by shaking or pounding her fists into the sofa pillows (better than my legs, thank you). I’m trying to learn to integrate her into the system in a way that works for all of us. It’s a challenge. If I forget about her I pay the price for all of us because she will revolt and run from things that freak her out. So, it’s best that I pay attention. But, I am tired from all of it. Tired from trying, and tired from the nightmares that never truly leave us.

There are bright spots though. I have my beautiful and loving fiance. She is eternally supportive of me. Yet, I worry that my mental health issues will come between us. I’ll keep showing up for us. It is a dream to have her in my life. We met through a mutual friend, and we do not live in the same city. In fact, we live over a thousand miles apart. Some day we will live in the same city, under the same roof. We both have DID, and it seems that we both learn from each other all the time. I am so blessed, and that is why it bothers me that I’m in such a tough place. I know that there are good things in my life. I want to fully enjoy them, yet I am stuck.