Friends are everything

Tonight I feel alone on an island with no connection to any human. I am in a tunnel that is growing narrower and narrower. The view is nil and the ride is solo. My body feels broken from the inevitable tension throughout. My breath feels caught in my throat, and my mouth goes dry. There seems to be no place for relief.

Then I remembered my friend, with whom I watched Parks and Recreation episodes when we both got freaked out and anxious, reached out to me this week. I have a tendency to forget I have friends. Sometimes, I have to make myself sit and write down names of my friends to remind myself I do indeed have friends. Even so, I still forget! I emailed my dear friend and fellow Parks and Recreation fan a bit ago to say I needed to reach out because I was feeling alone in the world. And, even in the midst of her own difficulties, she emailed back to say she was thinking of me. I cried just reading her succinct email back to me. So short, yet so everything to me in that moment. She wanted me to know she was thinking of me, of us, all of us. Sometimes that’s all you need to get through the night.

the grocery store

I was doing fine until this evening. Now I feel panicky and twitchy. In an effort to combat my panicky and twitchy feeling I took myself to the grocery store. I had forgotten a few items on the first trip to the store so I thought it was a good time to go back out.

In an odd, but helpful turn of events, my shopping list landed me in the refrigerated and freezer aisles, a perfect place to get grounded with the cold temperature!

First, I needed iced tea.

That unsweetened tea sells rather quickly, as you can see! People are learning that unsweetened is better.

Then I needed yogurt, which was across from the tea.

I got lucky. They had my Fage Plain 0% Fat yogurt. It often runs out! I had my items and started heading to cash out when I noticed the ice cream aisle. So, of course, I headed for some ice cream.

Is that Edy’s Slow Churned Vanilla Bean in the single serving size? Yes it is! Am I lactose intolerant? Yes, I am, but that’s why they invented lactaid pills.

Going to the grocery store was a good distraction, and I got the items I previously forgot, minus the ice cream. That was a bonus impulse buy. I am not completely out of the triggery panicky woods, but I think I’m better off by having gone to the store, and I’m certainly not worse off for the trip.

Everyday we do the best we can.

the dark tunnel …

Entering the catacombes in Paris, a long, dark...

I’m in that dark tunnel with no end, no way out. Too many things feel like a catastrophe. I’m walking and walking and walking and there is no way out. It just goes on forever.

My heart is in my throat. And the reason for all this drama … My new psychiatrist told me that I have to give up my current therapist. It’s not an unusual request, but I feel like the bottom just fell out from under me. My therapist has been the one constant I’ve had for the past six years. The only insight I have is that this news along with moving my office at work has sent me spinning. I admit that it does not make sense, and that these seem like insignificant things in the greater scheme of things, especially the office move. But, still, here I am freaked out. Insignificant or not, stupid or not, I am still a wreck.Apparently these things are triggers for me.

I can’t think anymore today. My body is racked with aches from shaking so hard, and crying. I don’t want to be like this, yet here I am. This is a short post because I need to sleep.