Many of you know that I have dissociative identity disorder. I thought I was doing better, but yesterday one of my selves, Letty, came out in a very public way. Thankfully, it was not at work.
But still, it was mortifying. Blessedly, people were kind, calm and understanding. I am beyond lucky that this was the case.
Has anyone else had this experience?
I don’t know what to do, and it feels like the real world is closed to me.
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Aw, I know this experience feels like it’s thrown you out of whack or off balance — that’s what it soiunds like, anyway. Did anyone else know it was Letty or only you? Have you talked with Letty about it? Why she did it? Maybe give her some time with just the two of you? Maybe she needs for you to listen to her.
The real world is not closed to you! We’re still here. It sounds like the people who were present when Letty came out responded with compassion. This is good for Letty to experience for herself.
Do you write a journal/diary? Whenever I had more severe dissociative experiences, I wrote and wrote about them to help me figure out what triggered them, what they meant, and what I needed to do about them. Some people find it more helpful to draw pictures. Whatever works for you.
I hope you’re doing well today and your peeps are listening. Take care…..
Cinda
Thank you, especially for the support around this. People figured out fairly quickly that it was not me, and someone was astute enough to ask for a name. Hopefully, I will be able to post more about what happened. Right now I am in a coffee shop very heavy and floating feeling. Just replying to comments feels like Herculean. But it’s what I want to do. I want to be here replying, but it’s an all hands on deck battle to not slip away into dissociation.
I know I’m replying many hours after you wrote this, but for future reference, breathe. When you’re feeling floaty, you need to ground your body and feel it as you. Breathing is the fastest way — close your eyes, focus on the tip of your nose, and take a deep breath in, as much air as you can take in. Then breathe out slowly, focused on the sensation of the air passing the tip of your nose. Another trick is to drink a cool liquid slowly through a straw while thinking about your feet pressed to the ground. I hope you’re doing better today.
I’m sorry that happened. Maybe Letty has something she needs to share. Could you ask her? Could she do a blog post about it?
Hi Zoe,
Yes, I am working on a blog post about what happened. Still trying to process all of it. Many thanks though.
Beatriz
I understand. xo
Eek I can only imagine the turmoil that must have created for you. Within you, I mean. Is there a reason she came out then and there? Do you all have an agreed contract as to when it is safe and appropriate for others to come out?
Hi Bourbon, yes, there is an understanding and commitment on appropriate times to come out. There was a startling trigger in public that caused the switch. Letty immediately felt terrible. I will post more about what happened as I start to feel stronger. Many thanks.
Beatriz
Eek I can only imagine the turmoil that must have created for you. Within you, I mean. Is there a reason she came out then and there? Do you all have an agreed contract as to when it is safe and appropriate for others to come out?
I agree with bourbon, a contract would be good to make. It would save you ending up in embarrassing or even dangerous situations for your littles. I hope Lettie is ok and if she has something to say we’re listening. ❤
Hi, yes, this kind of thing usually does not happen. It was an unusual situation. Working on a blog post with more specifics. Thank you much.
This is something I struggle with. Under stress, a younger part will come out, but usually briefly. I have complete co-conciousness, so it’s not a disaster. But I am horribly embarrassed when it happens. Also, a protector part has been triggered out when I perceive a threat (even though it’s not really dangerous). This always makes any situation worse. You could tell, if you knew what to look for – my voice becomes young, and I use short sentences. But no one ever thinks it’s parts – they just think I’m eccentric or childish or some such.
Hi Ellen,
You are right on the money with what happened. Letty, the youngest of my parts, came out in a time of unexpected fear and surprise. In this case it became obvious to the person I was speaking with because they happen to be a mental health professional, which was entirely coincidental. I was co-concious and I recall him asking “me” or, rather, Letty, if she had a name. But, you are right that when this has happened in the past people didn’t assume it was an alter, just that I was upset and sounding like a little girl. I can relate to so much of what you just shared with me. Thank you for that.
Beatriz
Glad Letty had someone safe and who validated her so that it became a positive instead of negative event for her, hopefully…I’m sorry that it’s stressing you…
Hi Sam, thanks for the support. It means a lot. I am glad as well that Letty was received without panic or judgment. We are blessed for that.
Beatriz
I’ve read only two entries on this blog though I subscribed some weeks ago. I’ll just say it’s been kinda intense for awhile. I wanted to say that when I read the first post about Letty coming out I was taken by what she said because I believe she has said something every other child alter has said and felt meaning she is not alone in her feelings. She felt guilt for coming out, felt fear while being out, was worried the police were coming, was afraid she was in trouble or someone else was in trouble because of her. My little one’s do that, My child alters apologize wide eyed and tearfully. Loud speech is a trigger for me because it seems to consume me. It engulfs me and I can’t see my way out of it. It’s as if it chokes me and I can’t get away. Loud speech from a woman is worse than that of a man because my main abuser if female.
I also noted that despite her coming out she knew what to do. She knew who to ask for inside.
I wanted to note too that you implemented your plan for moving forward after a trigger and switch.
I have been in therapy for many years so I know the terror of feeling as if you have no control over when you switch, especially in public to an alter personality that is noticeably not you. Early on my then therapist helped me to do a lot of inner talking to let the little ones know that there are times when they are safer to come out than others. It was spoken out loud for those inside to hear that people coming and going at all hours like a convenient store wasn’t working. We were exhausted, nothing was getting done or we were so triggered we’d end up in a corner somewhere rocking. It was, as you know, frightening and made us feel crazy and helpless. it took awhile before people began to realize that we, as a group, would keep our word to one another that there was a specific time that was better for coming and going. Work and college wasn’t it. We had to keep our word that when at home, when the time came, that they could talk, come out for safe things, whatever. Once they realized our word was good the smallest ones stopped popping out so much at ‘inconvenient’ times. Even when triggered they didn’t come out publicly. I bet it took a good 3 yrs to get trust that the word given to all of us would be upheld. Once that trust was established then it made it easier to keep the Rolodex switching from taking place and it kept switching to younger one’s in public to a minimum.
What you are embarking upon I do not take lightly. Your healing will be completely different than mine but, I do believe that healing is possible and that therapy can help facilitate healing.
And a special thank you for the insight you provided me with this comment. It made me feel much less alone with this challenge.
Beatriz
I opened my blog 12 years ago on this very subject. I can tell you this much, keep blogging! Do not stop keeping a record of your life. I suggest keeping it in one spot because you will all know where to talk, where to write stuff, where stuff will be. If for some reason you have an issue, you can look back over the last several weeks of writing and maybe find a pattern or tip to what’s going on. My blog has been of great assistance to me in that way.
One thing I promised myself about my blog is this: I will write with honesty, the good, the bad, the ugly. I’m writing unscripted, without practicing my words, without thinking who might read it. I promised myself I’d write my mistakes and successes because that is what I am, both, all of it. I promised myself to write how I write, to express how I express myself and not how other multiples do it. The blog had to be about me and for me or else it wouldn’t help me the way I wanted it to.
From the 2 entries read I have great hope that this blog will do you so much good now and in the future. I think you will be astonished when you look back and see, 12 yrs later, just what was written, what you’ve changed for the good, for the bad. You’ll see gains, losses, triumphs and failures and you’ll come to realize, multiple personality or not, you are as others, you are human.
Best wishes,
Faith
Hi Faith,
My apologies for taking so long to reply. I’ve not been able to write since I last posted until this morning. I had been in a big rush to get out the door on vacation. No worries, I took care of the other comments you asked me about earlier.
I really very much appreciate your very thoughtful comments, especially since I see that you also have DID. It is always nice to connect with someone who can relate. So, many, many thanks for all the insight you provided me. You are right, It has been intense lately, and that intensity combined with the need to prepare for vacation is the cause for my delay in responding. I look forward to reading more of your blog.
Beatriz