Coming back

I’ve been silent on this blog for too long. My own life has been such a distraction that I’ve felt “blocked” from writing. Twice, over the last two weeks, I’ve started blog posts that I’ve abandoned out of the feeling that they made no sense, or that they were garbage. Finally, I realized that I just have to start writing again, no matter what, no matter how nonsensical, or “bad.” It’s true that it’s always harder to start up again after you’ve been away from the page for too long. Similar rule with running, always harder to start up again after a prolonged absence. Better to just keep going.

A lot of change is afoot for me, and that’s probably what’s been impacting my ability to concentrate on writing.

With regard to my dissociative identity disorder, I’ve been progressing with integration. My progress has been so notable that I’ve come to the conclusion that my current career is no longer a fit for my true self. This realization has been a shock, but the more I think about it the more I realize that this, in fact, is true. I am good at my job. I do it well, but it is not the best fit for the real me. The core of me desires a job that is far less adversarial, quieter. I investigate employee misconduct, and I represent management at arbitration hearings. I do it well, but it’s not how I want to contribute to the world.

This job is what I wanted up until now. There is no accident in how I got into this career. I can certainly connect the dots. But, the core of me of would like to contribute to the working world differently. I would like a job that is more social justice oriented. Just as a Hail Mary submission, I sent my resume in for a position that caught my eye. At the very last minute, right before the deadline, I crafted my cover letter, and pressed “send.” I waited until the last minute because it felt silly applying for a job in a field in which I had been notably absent for a while.

Meanwhile, I told my boss that I was looking for another job. I did this because my boss has been very supportive of me with my treatment efforts, and I felt like it was the right thing to do. I envisioned that this search would take months, perhaps longer, especially since I’ve not worked in social work policy for a while.

Much to my surprise, I received a phone call at 5 pm on Friday for an interview for the job I considered a Hail Mary resume submission. I know it’s just an interview, not a job offer, but I am still very surprised, and heartened at the fact that I have an interview. Even if I don’t get the job I will be grateful just for the interview. It shows me that I am a viable candidate for what I really want to do with my life.

Lately, life has seemed clearer, just crackling with clarity. One morning as I walked into Doc’s office I noticed a brass name plate on the door of his office with his name. I walked in and complimented him on the new name plate. He said to me that it’s been there the entire time I’ve been coming to see him, which will be two years next month. I was surprised to realize that I’ve never noticed the name plate until recently. I’ve opened that door countless times with no notice of the name plate right in front of my nose as I entered his office. But, that’s dissociation, or at least that’s what Doc says.

12 thoughts on “Coming back

  1. Good luck with that interview! I am very inspired by how quickly you are progressing with your Doc. So wonderful to hear xx

  2. Good luck with the job interview, I we hope you get it. Even if you don’t, as you said, you got an interview. That’s great progress. Sending a hug and we’re glad your back! XXX ❤

  3. Yay, yay, yay! I’m so happy for you and the steps forward that you are taking. That clarity is especially great news. I’m doing mental cartwheels for you! Good luck with the job search. Even if the interview doesn’t work out (but I’ve got my fingers crossed it will), the fact that you’ve recognized the need for change in your work life, that your thinking is clear on what you want to do, and that you’re moving to change is such positive signs that it’s cause for celebration right now. Keep us posted on your progress! Sending lots of supportive energy your way. Cinda

    • Thank you, Cinda. I am hoping that in light of recent events where a part of me spilled out that I will find that confidence again. The recent “spilling out” has me in a bit of a disarray in my head. Hopefully that will decrease with time. Thanks again.

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