The simple things with PTSD can be daunting.
Get out of bed. (That took 2 hours)
Get dressed. (Add another hour to the total)
Eat something. (Just shy of another two hours)
The most important piece, don’t die, has been an all day minute by minute and hour by hour goal.
With that comes the eternal conundrum, Do I surrender to a hospital?
I’ve never been hospitalized as an inpatient, aside from residential treatment, which is far less restrictive than inpatient hospitalization. The fact is this: my past residential treatment and intensive outpatient experiences have only had short term success. I’ve had the best success with Doc. Even so, I wonder in this moment if I need to be in the hospital. I certainly do not want to be there. The prospect is terrifying, especially since dissociative identity disorder is largely misunderstood and dismissed, even among mental health professionals. Instead, I’m bereft with a feeling of lack of real choices. Even when I entered into residential treatment, I was on a waiting list for months. If I got on that list now, my name would likely come up for a bed around September or August. I think Doc tends to feel like it’s some kind of failure if I need hospitalization. It’s just a vibe I have. I would like to be wrong about it though.
I will have to ask him in the morning what he thinks I should do as I am at a loss. Usually I have a general idea of what direction I want to take, especially with important ones like this. But, I’ve no idea with this one.