Keep going

The simple things with PTSD can be daunting.

Get out of bed. (That took 2 hours)

Get dressed. (Add another hour to the total)

Eat something. (Just shy of another two hours)

The most important piece, don’t die, has been an all day minute by minute and hour by hour goal.

With that comes the eternal conundrum, Do I surrender to a hospital? 

I’ve never been hospitalized as an inpatient, aside from residential treatment, which is far less restrictive than inpatient hospitalization. The fact is this: my past residential treatment and intensive outpatient experiences have only had short term success. I’ve had the best success with Doc. Even so, I wonder in this moment if I need to be in the hospital. I certainly do not want to be there. The prospect is terrifying, especially since dissociative identity disorder is largely misunderstood and dismissed, even among mental health professionals. Instead, I’m bereft with a feeling of lack of real choices. Even when I entered into residential treatment, I was on a waiting list for months. If I got on that list now, my name would likely come up for a bed around September or August. I think Doc tends to feel like it’s some kind of failure if I need hospitalization. It’s just a vibe I have. I would like to be wrong about it though.

I will have to ask him in the morning what he thinks I should do as I am at a loss. Usually I have a general idea of what direction I want to take, especially with important ones like this. But, I’ve no idea with this one.

 

 

 

7 thoughts on “Keep going

  1. It sounds like yesterday was a bad day. I hope today is better for you. Those bad days can be especially challenging. I will offer some ideas for you — take what works and leave the rest!

    Make getting up compelling for those bad days: plan something to do first thing in the morning that you love, something simple but pleasurable. You need to get up, wash, get dressed in order to be able to do it. By giving yourself a pleasurable incentive, you’ll have more motivation. Certainly much better than having to go to work….(smile)

    If you are having thoughts of suicide, it’s really important to tell Doc. Talk about it with him. Then I’d suggest, if he doesn’t, that you draw up a “Do No Harm” contract that outlines what you will do if you feel you’re going to harm yourself. I had one with my therapist many years ago. List the people you can call — people who stand by you now — if you’re on the edge and be honest about how you feel. Make sure that both Doc and you have signed copies. Recognize that suicide is an option, but it is not the only or best option. You have more to give the world.

    Another thing I used to do is have a goal. For me, it was my writing, my novel. I had to survive in order to finish it. Or I had to survive in order to keep my writing out of the hands of my abusers. It kept me going until I was through the darkest period.

    And finally, has Doc taught you how to relax and go to a favorite place through visualization? I used to do that also. That place was safe, guarded in my mind by a large German shepard dog that loved me unconditionally. Your mind is strong and creative, and can be a resource for your healing even as it’s giving you a hard time.

    Hang in there! My thoughts are with you….
    Cinda

    • Indeed, you are right on point with so much of what you shared about getting through suicidal ideation. Today and yesterday, I’ve been trying to heavily focus on the things that have kept me going thus far: my writing, the hope for a better life, my nephews, my sister, and my friends. Sometimes it’s just one minute at a time …

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