I’m going to try again

I’ve not posted on here with any consistency. Unfortunately, that has been by design. I suspect that someone in my life is regularly reading this blog, and knows it belongs to me.

However, this past weekend I attended a conference for others with DID, and I made the most amazing connections with others who also have DID. I feel less alone after this amazing experience. There were many people there unafraid to be who they are, regardless of their DID. Though, I hate to admit, typing these few sentences is difficult. It’s taken me 45 minutes just to get this far in creation of this post. But, I’m going to keep trying because I can see that my fear and hiding are not serving me.

It’s the most hopeful I’ve felt in a long time. I can feel the ever present darkness get a lift with a crack of light shining in my black cloudy fog of I don’t matter in this world. That is my default thought, that I don’t matter. But I met people who do matter, and they are not held back by their DID. I got to know lovely, loving people who like me back and want to be my friend. What a small beautiful miracle …

I’m going to try to bottle up that courage  and confidence I saw this weekend, and apply it to this blog.

5 thoughts on “I’m going to try again

  1. I am so jealous. I really would love to go to a conference on did and meet like minded people. Unfortunately in ireland there arent too many such things. I think you should do what you feel is right, if someone is reading your blog and cant accept you for you then thats their problem, your not at fault. XX

  2. It can take courage to be yourself in a world that encourages people to take on personas that have nothing to do with their real selves. You are brave. You are deserving of only the best in this world. Think of this life as a journey on which you are having important experiences in order to learn and grow and re-connect with your authentic self.

    Having said that, you also deserve to protect yourself. You’re an adult capable of defending your interests and protecting yourself.

    So happy to hear that you’ve connected with others who are like you. I hope that you stay in contact with those who expressed an interest in being your friend! Good to see you writing again and knowing that you’re OK.

    Cinda

  3. Yes! Your confidence is good and right. There are many, many of us, and we aren’t all that strange. As a matter of fact, some wonder if everyone is to some degree. In any case, it is NOT our fault, but probably some abuser’s fault, so we just need to determine to grow through this. And keep in mind that many multiples are artists and credit their multipleness for their brilliance. It can be done!

  4. I’ve been blogging for over 12 years now. One of the first promises I made to myself was, no matter who reads, I will write for me. And it did happen that someone I didn’t want to read found my blog. It was hard but I kept writing because when it all boils down to it, getting things out of my head and lost in some internet world has been a great boost to my healing process. What has any abuser ever done to help with my healing process? Nothing, nothing at all. And you’d be surprised just how many people on the net are pulling for you because we know how this feels.

    People have either been there, are there or are just about there. You’ll know who to avoid and who to talk to. It’s like in real life, use your instincts, don’t get lost on beautiful words backed by vindictive behaviors. Use your instincts and you’ll be okay here on the net.

    In 12 years I’ve made more “enemies” than friends but those friends have stuck with me through thick and thin. Yeah, I’ve angered a few people by but they faded away and my friends are still here. You know why I say they’re friends? Because after 10 years we met in person. They’ve visited me in my home. There have been graduations, births, marriages, deaths and life challenges. These are people I know will be here 10 years from now.

    You will find the further you go with healing the more decisions you’ll make for yourself instead of reactions based on abusers actions. But, that’s not criticism. Trust me, it scared me to know who was reading the blog. When I found out I freaked. I was scared…worried….but I have to heal, it’s what I want and I know its what you want. so do what it is that is healthiest for you.

    BTW – You’ve been missed.

    Jordan

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