My name Letty

Ok, I know I already talked today. But I have more to say to you guys. Beatriz let me get back on again, but she says we need to go to sleep soon. Anyways, I wanted to tell you guys about my name. My name Letty stands for Let me! You know, like

Let Me Go

Let Me Out of Here

Let Me Be

Let Me Alone

Get it?

BUT we are not telling Doc my name. He wants to know. I won’t tell him. Don’t tell him. Please.

Ok, Beatriz says it’s bedtime. Bummer. I HATE bedtime big time, like huge big time. I wish bedtime did not exist. EVER. Beatriz says she understands but we still have to go to bed because she has to work. She has to work so that we can buy food and pay for our apartment. I like our apartment but I don’t like us to be alone in it.

Alright now I really gotta go. Beatriz says that if I don’t go right now I won’t get to play with my new Strawberry Shortcake app in bed. So I better go.

Bye bye



Last night

Last night at my friend’s house I was told I had bad dreams and cried out in my sleep. Great. I remember feeling bad in my sleep (I know that sounds strange), but I don’t recall any specifics. I think tonight my friend could tell I was feeling scared about going home, and he offered to rent a movie for us. Then I started falling asleep on the couch and he told me to go to his room to go to sleep. He insisted on taking the couch, though I would have felt better if I slept on the couch.

It’s nice sleeping here, but eventually I have to go home. Perhaps the fact that I can hear him cutting his toenails in the next room will motivate me to be fine with going home tomorrow …

Neurofeedback, Take Two

I woke up to the sound of workmen right outside my bedroom window at my apartment complex clattering away on whatever they were doing. It was jolting and triggering as all the racket made me all twitchy right out of the gate. I missed my appointment at the gym with my trainer because I was having trouble getting out of the dissociative state.

I hit the alarm at 8:40, and rushed out the door by 9:00 for the hour long drive to my neurofeedback appointment.

When I got to Doc’s office I was in a mood as I had a horrible headache from Tuesday’s session that took several hours to squash, and I drove an hour to this appointment in a less than ideal state of twitchiness. In short, I was in no mood for what seemed to be a waste of time.

I hate how when I open Doc’s door I am hit with a cold blast of air conditioning, along with a bevy of annoying door chimes announcing my arrival. It’s jarring to anyone, but especially me in my anxious state. It’s like a gust of sensory overload.

Doc then comes out, and waves his arms in that wildly expressive way of his, and says, “Come on in!”

He wants to know how I’m doing, and I tell him I’m not feeling great, as I didn’t sleep well. I also tell him about the headache.

It’ turns out that I should not have gone to acupuncture on the same day that I had neurofeedback. He had told me it was okay to go to acupuncture, but he did not realize I went to acupuncture for my PTSD. Apparently, both forms of therapy were too much for my brain, and that is likely why I had a headache.

Today I played EEG Chomper, which looked like a generic version of Pac-Man. Well, to be precise, my brainwaves played Chomper. I just watched. I am surprised at how hard it is for me to sit still for 30 minutes. It is very, very hard for me.

The good news is that I started at a 27 today, and got as low as a 5.5. Doc says I got lower faster than I did on Tuesday. Even though he annoys me at times, he is endearing. As soon as I was done he said, “Wow! Even better than last time!” It is sweet how he gets genuinely excited with good results. He is not a prim and proper doctor, which I appreciate. I’ve always preferred people who are a bit offbeat.

So far no headache today. I am so thankful for being pain-free today. I was actually humming at work, and singing along to music in the car. I almost don’t recognize myself. Doc did say that I will start to have different thoughts about myself, good thoughts. I can’t wait.