I have to get rid of the cacophony of noise in my head. Everyone is all stirred up, and I am out of options for calming everyone down. It’s times like this that I really wonder why I try so hard. I used to drink to get rid of the triggers. I had sex to excess, and that addiction helped me ignore the dissociation. Four years ago I gave up drinking and addictive sex. Now that I don’t have those crutches everything is horribly visible to me. I can hear and feel everything. In a way I am glad I did not have the knowledge of how it would be at the time I decided to quit. I may not have quit if I had known it would be like this.

The truth is that I am just holding on, and I am not even sure why. Why hold on? So that I can be in the same damn spot a year from now?

Someone inside of me wants to die, and I have to tell you that it becomes harder and harder to talk sense into them. I just numbly ignore the desire and go about my day, but it’s always there in the back of my head, gnawing and wanting to be done.

It is all a ruse, an act. I’m hardly sane. I just go through the motions, acting the part of normal human being. But, really, it is not real. What is real is in my head, and it is not for public consumption. It’s hardly for my own consumption.

I feel like I am out of options, out of choices. I see Doc in the morning. Whoop de doo. I’m not happy with him either.

I have to sleep, and I am not up for it. I am even annoying myself with how much of a prickly pear I am today.

God, give me a clue as to what I am supposed to be doing because I have no flipping idea.

12 thoughts on “?!?!?!?!?!

  1. Lke buckwheatsrisk and journeyman1977 said.

    You ARE sane, at least as sane as me ‘cos I recognise all you describe and I reckon we’re sane. OK? Sane and struggling, sane and full of possibilities that slip out of sight for a time but will be found again. And you’re tough, those things you said, ‘No more’ to, that takes guts and strength. MUCH strength that’s there in you somewhere. OK now is a “^%* phase, it won’t stay like that. I’m guessing you been in a “^%* before that passed. Go gently, breathe, slowly, breathe. One breath at a time.

  2. You are hanging in there because you are stronger then any addiction that you ever had. And life has much more joy in for you to explore. You will get there.

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