According to Doc, I am in the midst of integration,and with that comes all sorts of weirdness, confusion and chaos.
Today I walked into my favorite coffee shop to get my trusty and reliable Zen and Now green tea, which is just green tea with mint and lemongrass. The owner of the shop is this sweet tall guy that talks me up every now and again. The shop is the size of a shoe box, and he is forever rearranging the place trying to find the right feng shui. It’s really kind of cute how he’s optimistic that he can find just the right layout with enough effort.
His latest configuration has it set up where the baking area is open so that anyone walking in can see the owner baking. It’s actually his best configuration yet. I hope he keeps it. I walked in, and saw him furiously mixing, and I asked him what he was making. When he answered me the world became fuzzy on me. As he was speaking to me I became aware that I was not hearing all of what he was saying. It was akin to a cell phone call that was breaking up. After he repeated what he was making I gathered that he was making “Kitchen Sink Oatmeal Cookies,”never knew that’s what he called them. But then he said something about coming me around to where he was baking, or perhaps he said people want to come around and see what he’s doing … Oh! I don’t know what he said because his words became broken up again, like the breaking up cell phone call except that it’s live and in person. Very weird. I finally just said I would see him later. I think I missed a critical part of the conversation because he had this confused look on his face. Arrrggh! It vexes me that my own internal chaos is leaking into my places of comfort.
I don’t know why I had trouble being fully present when people were speaking to me today. Thankfully, I didn’t have a lot of interaction with people at work today. At least my weirdness didn’t leak there.
I can relate to that, I’ve zoned out of total conversations sometimes critical ones. It’s embarrassing, I don’t know how long I was gone or how much I missed, or what I looked like even when I was gone. Then I wonder how often it happens. Ugh not fun!
I’m really sorry you are dealing with this. 😦
I hope you don’t mind a question though.
I find that at times I zone out on things people are saying to me. In cases when I get bored with what they are saying it happens but also when I have something on my mind that might be pressing or disturbing me.
Is this the same sort of thing?
I think it’s your blog that I read about daydreaming being a form of DID. This is a state I’ve gone into since I can remember. And I notice it more now that at times I go into daydream state and pulling myself out is really difficult.
I don’t find that I have different identities but I have suffered depression all my life and I believe it’s from being pretty sensitive in the first place couple with a father who I now think had borderline personality disorder.
I’ve zoned out and missed entire parts of conversations due to either the complete lack of sleep (for days) or medication, or a combination of both. When its really fun, I have been asked if I am drunk or high. Most people just look at me oddly. (I do blame it away on “its a medication or low blood sugar, neither which might be true, but both which people tend to be accept)
I can totally relate to the “zoning out”. I have a dear friend that will realize when I’ve not heard a word she has said. It’s not that I don’t find what she is saying “interesting”, but it as though she is suddenly speaking a foreign language. I can hear her speaking, I know she is saying something, but I cannot make sense of a word she is saying. I’m trying to pay attention. I want to pay attention. But I just can’t understand anything. It is as though I have suddenly disappeared and left nothing in its place. When I zone out, and she finally realizes that I’m not here, she will ask, “Where are you?” and for whatever reason, that always pulls me back. Some days are worse than others.