Tag Archives: Dissociative

DID is leaking into my favorite coffee shop

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According to Doc, I am in the midst of integration,and with that comes all sorts of weirdness, confusion and chaos.

Today I walked into my favorite coffee shop to get my trusty and reliable Zen and Now green tea, which is just green tea with mint and lemongrass. The owner of the shop is this sweet tall guy that talks me up every now and again. The shop is the size of a shoe box, and he is forever rearranging the place trying to find the right feng shui. It’s really kind of cute how he’s optimistic that he can find just the right layout with enough effort.

His latest configuration has it set up where the baking area is open so that anyone walking in can see the owner baking. It’s actually his best configuration yet. I hope he keeps it. I walked in, and saw him furiously mixing, and I asked him what he was making. When he answered me the world became fuzzy on me. As he was speaking to me I became aware that I was not hearing all of what he was saying. It was akin to a cell phone call that was breaking up. After he repeated what he was making I gathered that he was making “Kitchen Sink Oatmeal Cookies,”never knew that’s what he called them. But then he said something about coming me around to where he was baking, or perhaps he said people want to come around and see what he’s doing … Oh! I don’t know what he said because his words became broken up again, like the breaking up cell phone call except that it’s live and in person. Very weird. I finally just said I would see him later. I think I missed a critical part of the conversation because he had this confused look on his face. Arrrggh! It vexes me that my own internal chaos is leaking into my places of comfort.

I don’t know why I had trouble being fully present when people were speaking to me today. Thankfully, I didn’t have a lot of interaction with people at work today. At least my weirdness didn’t leak there.

There are limits

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There are inherent limits with DID.

With DID you watch the world pass you by. On your strongest days you feel like you can do anything, but the feeling is fleeting, and not sustainable.

It was on one of my strongest days that I applied for a promotion in a different office. There may be a job offer tomorrow that I have to turn down.

And I sit here frozen because typing any further renders me teary.

I know the awesomeness of my productivity and skill set is inside me, but the state of my system in the midst of integration renders this as not a good time for this kind of change.

But it angers me because I see others passing me by into other positions that I know I can excel in if my system was more stable.

I don’t want these limits, but they are there nonetheless. No amount of wishing or determination will extricate them out of my system, at least for today.

I trick myself into believing that I can really rock it as a professional, and that I can burst right through the limits that DID imposes on me because I am one hell of a determined woman.

I just want to excel in my career.

But with DID there are limits.

Maybe this isn’t such a good idea after all

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I want to know more about what’s hidden in the recesses of my mind. But, I am beginning to question the wisdom of such an endeavor.

It may seem trivial, but before today I would have sworn that I’ve watched every single episode of Modern Family. Well, I’ve been watching a marathon on the USA network for the past couple of evenings, and roughly 50% of the episodes thus far are alien to me. I know that I physically watch this show every week, but, apparently, I do not always watch the show. I guess other peeps inside enjoy Modern Family. This discovery gives more credence to my theory and belief that I lose time at home.

Last night was a horrid marathon of upsetting nightmares, one of which consisted of a bizarre car accident. Don’t know if there is any meaning there.

I actually felt myself getting physically panicked all day today, and even this evening.

God, I know this post is dreadfully boring. I’m even boring myself, but I feel compelled to get it all out in the hopes that all of this writing will eventually lead to some understanding of myself.

Letty keeps talking to me about Dad. At least she’s not asking where he has gone, “I had a Dad, but he not coming back. He sick, very sick. He not coming back. I wish I could call him, but Beatriz says we can’t cause he’s sick.”

After the last session with Doc where Letty talked about food and being hungry, I had another revelation. Over the years, people have mentioned funny things to me that have happened when I’m eating something I really like. Just a couple of weeks ago, my colleague and I went to our favorite diner for dinner. They had meatloaf panini as a special on the menu, and I ordered it. All I remember is getting my food, and telling the owner’s fiance who came over to our table that it was fabulous. As we were leaving the diner, my colleague told me that when I picked up my panini I brought my sandwich up to my face with eager crossed eyes, and I was making a gleeful humming sound. Thank god he was laughing about it, but I had no recollection of such a thing happening. I now realize that Letty was likely enjoying the sandwich with me.

In that last session this week with Doc I keep replaying in my mind something Letty said, “It don’t matter if the food didn’t taste good. I could make it taste good in my brain. It don’t matter.”

Guess it makes her happy when food is truly good.

I am fighting the urge to quit, to quit trying to remember. I am fighting the urge to just give up altogether. I am fighting ,and I’m having a hard time remembering why.