Fear of living

Fear is in the driver’s seat. It’s the driving force of too many things right now.

You’re afraid to walk, afraid to drive, afraid to breathe.

You’re even afraid to write. You feel as if you almost don’t know how to write anymore. You are stuck, stuck like hell, and you don’t know how to get out of it.

If only the feeling of sinking deeper into a hole would go away.

+++

I should write.

Write about what?

… the fact that I’m utterly and completely freaked out …

… that I’m stuck, but time continues ticking on, and I have to catch up at some point, but I don’t know how …

… that my my fall on Thursday that landed me on the back of my head has me afraid of everything, afraid of losing my ability to walk, my livelihood … though my head is fine, my brain is now chronically freaked out …

But, I can hardly write, hardly breathe, and it appears there’s no way out.

time out

I will not be saying a whole lot on here today because I need to take a time out of sorts from blogging. Trying to put myself back together again as I’ve had a hugely triggering day.

Thanks to all who have been so supportive of me on here. Be back soon, hopefully, tomorrow. Time out is starting now.

Not the couch again …

Last night I may have bit off more than I could chew. My letter to Freddy Bear kicked my ass. I am surprised that this was the hardest piece thus far for me to write. I just started crying in the middle of it. Then I just slept on the couch. The couch is where I sleep when I am not doing well. My couch is very close to my front door, and my hyper vigilance kicked in, which meant that I would be catching zzz’s on that red couch.

Writing that piece broke a dam in me that I didn’t even know existed. I have to get it together because I have two papers due tomorrow in two graduate courses. Bad timing!

I did a whole bunch of things to try to feel better today:

  • I went to my favorite diner for Eggs Benedict,
  • Walked through Petsmart to see dogs,
  • Sat in the Barnes and Noble cafe and read dog magazines, and
  • I ate watermelon for dessert.

Still, though, I think I’m going to be sleeping on the couch again tonight.