Fear of living

Fear is in the driver’s seat. It’s the driving force of too many things right now.

You’re afraid to walk, afraid to drive, afraid to breathe.

You’re even afraid to write. You feel as if you almost don’t know how to write anymore. You are stuck, stuck like hell, and you don’t know how to get out of it.

If only the feeling of sinking deeper into a hole would go away.

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I should write.

Write about what?

… the fact that I’m utterly and completely freaked out …

… that I’m stuck, but time continues ticking on, and I have to catch up at some point, but I don’t know how …

… that my my fall on Thursday that landed me on the back of my head has me afraid of everything, afraid of losing my ability to walk, my livelihood … though my head is fine, my brain is now chronically freaked out …

But, I can hardly write, hardly breathe, and it appears there’s no way out.

8 thoughts on “Fear of living

  1. Feeling stuck can be part of the process. It means you need to relax, take a breather from your healing work. If you are committed to healing, you’ll come unstuck soon enough. What’s important now is to be kind to yourself and your peeps. Show them how to comfort yourself. Listen to favorite music. Blow bubbles. Watch cartoons. Follow whatever sense you get on what to do as long as it’s safe for you and other people. Know that there are people who are thinking of you and sending lots of healing energy your way.

  2. I sometimes hate when people say that know what I am going through, or understand. No one understands. Your words however captured dare I say beautifully, the fear and the darkness of PTSD. The neverending cycle of torment our brains and body goes through worrying about what next will happen, and afraid that something we do will make it happen. This week in therapy we worked on circular breathing. Doing it throughout the day, hopefully to train myself that when I get in a PTSD circle of torment, I might breathe away the fear and torment, into relaxation, at the very least into a safer place. I pray for you to have a peaceful weekend. Reaching out and sending you a cyber hug, if that is okay. ~Hope

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