Category Archives: PTSD

The eternal fight

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Cat on a Ledge | 255/365

 

You want something better for yourself, a better life, for starters. But triggers, memories and flashbacks bring you falling down time and again. You get up , and fall down, ad nauseam.

How long can this go on? Ad nauseam? You don’t want to conceive of that possibility.

You want to remain employable, be a better friend, get a dog. You have a job, but you always fear being found out as truly belonging in the loony bin, and you know you need to work on being a better friend. And so many things have to happen before you can get a dog. It all seems so out of your league, so meant for others, but not for you.

On good days you reach and reach and reach into the depths of your soul, and yank out the oomph you need to keep you going, keep you from falling off the edge.

On bad days you stare at the edge of ledge and wonder …

PTSD is damn expensive

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I’ve gained my bearings back, for which I m very grateful. It’s a good thing because I’ve received some news that needs my attention. Doc told me that the insurance company will not pay for my neurofeedback sessions. So, if I want to continue them I will have to pay for them out of pocket. FYI everyone, neurofeedback is seen as experimental for PTSD by insurance companies in the United States.

I am not sure that I can afford the extra charge for the neurofeedback sessions, but they have been tremendously helpful to me. I’m considering taking a loan out on my pension to do this. It’s a very reasonable interest rate, but in the back of my mind I was going to take out such a loan as a down payment on a house.

I know I’ve talked about the travails of considering purchasing a home. I’ve done the math, and if I can come up with a down payment it would be cheaper for me to pay a mortgage. But all my medical expenses have precluded me from saving for such a thing. That is why my fallback was a loan against my pension.

Things could be a lot worse for me. I know this. At least I have a pension fund from which I can take a loan. Still though, all of these medical expenses put me further behind where I want to be in my life.

I’m pondering what to do. I’m even considering a second job. The things we do for mental health …