Just as I did when I was a child, when I find myself stumped by something I turn to books. A book may not have the answer, but it can provide a direction, some preliminary answers.

I did a search in our public library’s catalog, as well as a search on Barnes and Noble. I came up with a list of books, but the last of the Sunshine Holidays put a crimp in my plans. Since this is Labor Day weekend the library is closed until Tuesday. I will be thrilled to put to bed all the Sunshine Holidays after Tuesday.

I took myself to Barnes and Noble and they had one, just one book on dissociative identity disorder in stock. The book was alright, a place to start.

At this point I realized that I needed to put my fear on the high shelf if I had any chance of evaluating the situation. As an investigator I approached a case with as few preconceived notions as possible. I just kept turning stones until there were no more stones to turn. So I took my fear of DID and put it on a high shelf, and went to work. It started to feel like the good old days of investigating. As an investigator I was never afraid of the truth.

So I took stock of what I knew:

• There is a long period of time in high school, at least two years, where I wore camouflage pants and berets very regularly, along with a loner “don’t mess with me” attitude. All of this was a departure from the way I previously conveyed myself to the world. I only learned of this behavior in high school last year, and I still have no memory of it. Even scarier, the behavior reported to me by an old high school friend was corroborated by my sister Cate.

• I read in the one book at Barnes and Noble today that one of the signs of DID is inner voices. When I read that I nearly dropped the book. I assumed everyone had these inner voices that I have. I’ve never mentioned them because I thought they were one of those things in life that we never mention like farts, burps and, you know, inner voices. Everyone has them, but doesn’t talk about them … guess not. Yes, I have the cacophany of inner voices in my head. I’ve had them as long as I can remember.

• There are unexplained instances of self-harm when I’ve lost time. I’ve chipped a tooth, hurt my neck, and I’ve even awakened with bruises on my arms. I just thought all of these things happened from bad nightmares.

There are other things rolling around in my head, but I’m too exhausted to go any further with this. But at least I’m freaking about it less. This is a good start.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)