Tag Archives: postaday

STOP THE LEAKING

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4

I am a baby, a cry baby. There is no denying it, and I hate it. I loathe it all day. It just is incredibly inconvenient to me to be such a cry baby. Today at work we were talking about the ins and outs of forming a board for an appeal that needs to be heard. I made a suggestion about one way of selecting members for this group, and this guy just said to me, “What the hell does that have to do with anything?” I was stunned. I felt metaphorically slapped. Trust me, I recognize that most peeps aren’t as sensitive as I am.

Then I had to wait while my boss spent 25 minutes talking with a co-worker about the tragedy of her Christmas tree falling over this weekend. She saw me waiting outside her door, and waved me into her office, but then proceeded to continue this personal conversation with a coworker for nearly a half hour! If I had known it would take that long I would have gone back to my desk. I was just waiting to see if she had any guidance on how to get the damn thing done. Well, by the time I was able to ask her my question about the stupid issue I just started getting all teary. I did not realize that I was still upset by the dumb guy’s comment, and that’s what probably got me teary. But … Ugh!!! I really hate that, especially since I know that she looks down on people who cry. She does not care for it. She treated me fine, but it blows that I’ve heard her make disparaging remarks about people who cry. It just feels humiliating.

It probably did not help that she had me stand there for nearly a half hour while she yammered about something else with a coworker.  Still, I wish I was less sensitive. When things like this happen I start to feel like I’m in elementary school again, and even the teachers called me a cry baby.

I wish I had a STOP THE LEAKING button any time I start feeling like I am going to cry, but don’t want to cry. Such a thing would be incredibly handy to me.

?!?!?!?!?!

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12

I have to get rid of the cacophony of noise in my head. Everyone is all stirred up, and I am out of options for calming everyone down. It’s times like this that I really wonder why I try so hard. I used to drink to get rid of the triggers. I had sex to excess, and that addiction helped me ignore the dissociation. Four years ago I gave up drinking and addictive sex. Now that I don’t have those crutches everything is horribly visible to me. I can hear and feel everything. In a way I am glad I did not have the knowledge of how it would be at the time I decided to quit. I may not have quit if I had known it would be like this.

The truth is that I am just holding on, and I am not even sure why. Why hold on? So that I can be in the same damn spot a year from now?

Someone inside of me wants to die, and I have to tell you that it becomes harder and harder to talk sense into them. I just numbly ignore the desire and go about my day, but it’s always there in the back of my head, gnawing and wanting to be done.

It is all a ruse, an act. I’m hardly sane. I just go through the motions, acting the part of normal human being. But, really, it is not real. What is real is in my head, and it is not for public consumption. It’s hardly for my own consumption.

I feel like I am out of options, out of choices. I see Doc in the morning. Whoop de doo. I’m not happy with him either.

I have to sleep, and I am not up for it. I am even annoying myself with how much of a prickly pear I am today.

God, give me a clue as to what I am supposed to be doing because I have no flipping idea.

Letty had a hard day

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6

I had a hard day. Beatriz was sad all day because we did not make it to church because of me. I did not want to go. I was scared she was gonna yell at me. She said said that she doesn’t like to yell. It’s not how she does things. Then I got sadder because she was still sad. She said we would talk to Doc about it tomorrow.

I thought Beatriz was not going to pay attention to me all day, but we went to Barnes and Noble. She let me have a passion fruit iced tea like I like to have. She also let me read my new Ivy and Bean book that she bought me on her Nook. Then I asked if I could get the next Ivy and Bean book. She said not to PRESS MY LUCK. Okay.

I don’t want her to hate me. I am scared.

She said she does not hate me. She said I need to understand that not all churches are bad. This is a different church from what we knew at home. This is something called UUs. They also say they are free seekers. Beatriz reminded me that this is the same church where I get to help build gingerbread houses next Saturday with other kids my age. Beatriz signed up as a helper so that I could come along. She asked if she should cancel that. I said no I want to make gingerbread houses with other kids. I don’t get to see a lot of kids. She said that since I didn’t want to join then maybe we shouldn’t do church things anymore. But I just didn’t want us to get up in front of the whole church. It scared me. She didn’t cancel the gingerbread house thing. I am glad.

But she is still sad and kind of mad. But I think not as mad.