Tag Archives: triggers

Wrong

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For nearly 20 yearsI was afraid of him.

 

I hid from him,

took great pains to not have my name in that thing they call the Internet.

Alas, he still found me

on that stupid thing called Facebook.

 

When I left,

I left because I was scared.

A voice told me I had to leave.

“Go now!”

It said.

“Get out!”

 

So I did.

I packed in one night,

only books, clothes, a zester and a salad spinner.

 

For nearly 20 years, I said I ran from a bad man.

I was convinced of it,

Convinced I did the right thing.

 

But then one peep started talking to me,

telling me he was okay.

 

It started with a whisper,

“He’s safe. He IS safe.

Talk to him.”

 

I ignored it,

but the whispers would not yield.

 

Finally, I gave in

And found him on that Internet.

 

And I was wrong,

Wrong about everything I believed.

 

All those years ago,

We did not know

I had DID.

 

My dear sweet love was having a hard time all those years ago.

He left the only job he had ever known.

There was despair and a hole in his heart in a life without that job.

 

He would hole up in that room all by himself,

and not say a word.

Just play his video games

and grunt my way.

 

One day I had enough of no talk.

He had a bowl of popcorn cradled in his arm.

He gave me a scowl and cower as I walked in.

I popped that bowl of popcorn straight in the air

and it rained popcorn on our despair.

 

A peep I didn’t know I had was scared,

and wanted to run.

My husband’s despair was a reminder of woe

the peep felt in the scary house of long ago.

 

This was not the same,

but how were we to know?

 

When I left he cried

and asked me not to go.

 

I left, and did not turn back.

 

Nearly 20 years later,

I turn back.

 

Now, I cry,

and ask him not to go.

I went on a mission

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Hi all,

I’ve been absent because I’ve been looking into things that have been gnawing at me, and it required my undivided attention.

Where to begin?

I may have to do this in more than one blog post because it’s a lot, and I’m still digesting it myself.

Okay, I’ll just plunge in …

I’ve been thinking about my ex-husband for quite some time. I’ve often been curious/confused about what happened with us. We were high school sweethearts, got married 2 weeks before my high school graduation (he had graduated the year prior), and we divorced three years later. I just left him, with almost no warning. Things had been tough for us after he left the military, and, as far as I can remember, I started feeling afraid of him. So, one day I told him I was leaving him. I left, and we divorced. That was nearly 20 years ago.

Recently I started questioning my perception of my ex-husband in those last months we had together. Something did not sit right with me, and I realized it was because all I had were feelings. There was nothing I could point to or definitively say “this happened” or “that happened.” I just remember starting to feel scared around him.

Forgive me for the jumping around here, but I don’t know how best to explain this. Last week I cried in Doc’s office about how I didn’t bring my dog with me when I left home right after I got married. I assumed it was because my ex-husband did not allow it. But for the first time ever, I questioned that belief because I could not recall that specifically, and he loved animals. Why wouldn’t he let me take my dog with me?

I reached out to my ex this past week, and so many of my gnawings were confirmed. As far as the dog situation, he said that I wanted nothing that reminded me of that my childhood, nothing at all. It makes sense because I do remember feeling that way. In fact, my siblings were mad at me for a while because my contact with them was sparse when I first left. I remember just wanting to be free, so what he said makes sense.

Then there was more, so much more that he shared with me. He even had my old letters that he scanned and sent me. He did this after he asked if I was interested in seeing them. I was, and, wow, what a revelation. I could see the DID in the letters, language I used that I recognized as that being of Sabrina, and other things that reminded me of Letty or Ronnie.

He told me about my best friend visiting me after we moved from the military base. She flew across the country to see us. I was stunned because for years I was disappointed that she never made good on her promise to visit. He had details about that visit that just floored me. He talked about my best friend making apple pie for us, and, what’s even scarier, he talked about how the three of us witnessed a bad car accident. I remember none of this, absolutely none of it. I thought my best friend never visited us after we moved across the country. I don’t remember her baking apple pie for us, and I certainly do not remember witnessing a very bad car accident. I am still stunned even as I write this. He has no reason to lie, and he was simply reminiscing when he relayed these memories. He thought I knew what he was talking about.

My theory is that I left my ex because the hard time he was going through after he left the military triggered me, and that’s why I was scared. He fully admits that was a hard time for him. I wish I had my current knowledge about myself back then.

He’s wondered all these years why I left him.

Good news/Bad news

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Friday was a crazy day. I had to try to convince an employee to __________. In the unlikely, but still possible, event that someone can guess where I work, or even the specific situation I had before me, I will stay on the side of caution.

Anyhow, I was not able to convince this particular employee to _________. It happens. We’re HR professionals, not magicians.

I had to give the Division Director where this employee works the bad news, and he was not happy about it. He got this pouty boy face, and he looked like a little boy having a tantrum. I kept saying to him, “Let’s go talk to Jane Doe (our HR Director).” I kept telling him that I wanted to help him fix the situation. He was not responding to me, so I just left him in the middle of the HR area while I left to talk to Jane.

Later, after everything calmed down, people said that I handled the Division Director very well. People also mentioned that he was yelling, and I just don’t remember that. But more than one person mentioned that to me. I wish I could recall more of the situation. I hate that I don’t remember all of it. Heck, I didn’t even know that I didn’t remember all of it.

I felt wired the rest of the day, and I could tell I was jacked up on adrenalin, another clue that something happened. I got home, and went to bed early, and even slept in late. Those are signs that I was triggered, and likely dissociative on Friday.

Feels like a case of good news/bad news.