I went on a mission

Hi all,

I’ve been absent because I’ve been looking into things that have been gnawing at me, and it required my undivided attention.

Where to begin?

I may have to do this in more than one blog post because it’s a lot, and I’m still digesting it myself.

Okay, I’ll just plunge in …

I’ve been thinking about my ex-husband for quite some time. I’ve often been curious/confused about what happened with us. We were high school sweethearts, got married 2 weeks before my high school graduation (he had graduated the year prior), and we divorced three years later. I just left him, with almost no warning. Things had been tough for us after he left the military, and, as far as I can remember, I started feeling afraid of him. So, one day I told him I was leaving him. I left, and we divorced. That was nearly 20 years ago.

Recently I started questioning my perception of my ex-husband in those last months we had together. Something did not sit right with me, and I realized it was because all I had were feelings. There was nothing I could point to or definitively say “this happened” or “that happened.” I just remember starting to feel scared around him.

Forgive me for the jumping around here, but I don’t know how best to explain this. Last week I cried in Doc’s office about how I didn’t bring my dog with me when I left home right after I got married. I assumed it was because my ex-husband did not allow it. But for the first time ever, I questioned that belief because I could not recall that specifically, and he loved animals. Why wouldn’t he let me take my dog with me?

I reached out to my ex this past week, and so many of my gnawings were confirmed. As far as the dog situation, he said that I wanted nothing that reminded me of that my childhood, nothing at all. It makes sense because I do remember feeling that way. In fact, my siblings were mad at me for a while because my contact with them was sparse when I first left. I remember just wanting to be free, so what he said makes sense.

Then there was more, so much more that he shared with me. He even had my old letters that he scanned and sent me. He did this after he asked if I was interested in seeing them. I was, and, wow, what a revelation. I could see the DID in the letters, language I used that I recognized as that being of Sabrina, and other things that reminded me of Letty or Ronnie.

He told me about my best friend visiting me after we moved from the military base. She flew across the country to see us. I was stunned because for years I was disappointed that she never made good on her promise to visit. He had details about that visit that just floored me. He talked about my best friend making apple pie for us, and, what’s even scarier, he talked about how the three of us witnessed a bad car accident. I remember none of this, absolutely none of it. I thought my best friend never visited us after we moved across the country. I don’t remember her baking apple pie for us, and I certainly do not remember witnessing a very bad car accident. I am still stunned even as I write this. He has no reason to lie, and he was simply reminiscing when he relayed these memories. He thought I knew what he was talking about.

My theory is that I left my ex because the hard time he was going through after he left the military triggered me, and that’s why I was scared. He fully admits that was a hard time for him. I wish I had my current knowledge about myself back then.

He’s wondered all these years why I left him.

7 thoughts on “I went on a mission

  1. Oh, I didn’t see this post before! This explains even further the poem I’ve just read. Massive realisations here. It is an odd feeling having things slot into place in your life like a jigsaw puzzle but quite an unsettling one too. Hope you’re coping well xx

  2. Honey, I am so glad you did this. I remember you talking just a little – very little – about your marriage in grad school and even then, your memories of it were very contradictory. I hope that this steps brings a little peace to both of you!

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