lost friends

You’ve had a hard day of therapy, so you take yourself to the grocery store for a distraction. It’s usually a good choice. However, today you run into two former friends.

It’s obviously awkward for everyone. They don’t try to hide the Deer-in-the-Headlights look on their face. You say hello. They say hello back with a vacant distant look. You shuffle on as quickly as you can so that everyone can stop feeling awkward.

Afterwards, a part of you hopes for a text or an email from one of them, but, alas, there is none. You finally realize that the friendship is really over.

You drive home, cry a little, and then once you pull into your apartment complex you get out of car and immediately go for a brisk walk. The frozen grocery items can wait while you walk! You turn up the Glee playlist on your iPhone because you need to get the self-defeating thoughts out of your head. You replay “Defying Gravity” a few times, and even “Gives You Hell,” but you feel only mildly better.

The PTSD was too much for them, and a part of you understands. It’s true that they triggered you inadvertently a few months ago, and it was made worse later by one of them. It was The Episode That Made It Worse that was the real breaking point. You realize you’re talking in riddles here, but you can’t possibly relive it again.

You’ll never forget that horrid Winter Dance where you and your partner were on the verge of splitsville. “Billie Jean” started playing, and, for lack of anything else to do, you went on the dance floor to dance by yourself to that horrid song. This short, spunky woman then starts dancing next to you, and says, “Hi, I’m Faith! Doesn’t this suck?” Yes, the dance did suck, and that was the start of your friendship.

You just have to accept that they are gone.

7 thoughts on “lost friends

  1. I hope you’re doing okay. That sounds so sad…

    I did crack a grin when I read this, though, “You replay “Defying Gravity” a few times” cause it’s my theme song. 😉

    Anyway. I hope you feel better…

  2. It isn’t them. It isn’t us. Itls the PTSD condition and whether WE have the willingness to learn the skills to live life in a satisfying, functional way; and whether our friends and family want to invest the time (patience) and emotional energy to support us.

    • My experience has been hard to let go of those I thought were my friends walking away bc they didn’t understand. However, i’ve had others come in and out of my live who spoke “my ptsd language”, taught me from their bag of tricks, were patient with me while I learned my own bumpy way

  3. It hurts every time that happens. And for me, it’s still puzzling – because I know that the “friends” who can’t deal with me with the PTSD/DID are the ones I don’t want around anyway. Intellectually, I know this, and I’ve known it for at least 4 years (since I started getting treatment and recognizing what had happened to me), but it still hurts each time. I can say, however, that I’m less and less surprised by it the more it happens, and in that respect, it is getting easier. I also think it’s made me more accepting of people’s various responses and why they might be responding the way they do.

  4. It’s hard when that happens…but if you are going through PTSD and recovering for…well, anything…you really need around only the people who can trully be friends and help. The ones who can’t handle it…it’s sad, but, there really is no other option but loosing them. I guess that’s how you know who are your true friends. I also lost some people along the way, though for the most part I’ve been lucky. But from what you said it seems you handled it gracefully, as much as that can happen for such situation.
    Keep going.
    Hope you are feeling at least a bit better!
    Warm hugs, A.

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