Category Archives: alters

An assignment I don’t want

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I saw Doc yesterday, and we made some discoveries. For a couple of months I’ve been aware of Belle, another alter. I am scared of Belle. She wants to die ALL the time. I spend a great deal of my time and energy fighting her despair and wish to die. Doc’s theory is that Belle holds all the despair and depression from childhood. She holds that for all the rest of us so that we did not have to endure it. He asked me to get a journal just for Belle. I finally did that tonight, and I am afraid to write in it as Belle. I think Belle also experienced hunger for all of us. There were times that I was truly hungry as a child, too painful to even write about right now.

The new journal lies within my tote bag, and I fear even touching it because touching it would mean I would need to take the next step and open it to write.

One of my friends posted the video from lifevestinside.com below to Facebook. It’s actually a happy video, but it made me cry, specifically at 3:11 in the video. That’s when a man gives another man a hot dog and water, and in that moment, I felt myself tear up. I know I teared up because I know what it’s like to be hungry, and I know that look when you bite into something after being hungry for so long.

And that’s it. I can’t write anymore tonight.

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Little Ronnie

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Guys, Little Ronnie is trying my patience. She wants her mom. She keeps trying to say out loud, “Mommeee! Mommeee!” I keep stopping her, but it’s getting hard. Beatriz is at work. Little Ronnie can’t be asking for Mommeee right now. It would scare people.

I am tired. I wish we could go home. We have two more hours.

Letty Wants To Go Home

Last night was scary for Letty

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Hi guys,

I’m at lunch with Beatriz. Last night was scary for us. It’s very very cold here, and I got scared that we would not have a place to live. Beatriz’s mom used to yell a lot about losing the house and not having a place to live if we did not have enough money. I used to get very scared of that happening when it got cold outside.

I called Dan, Beatriz’s friend. He figured out it was me, and not Beatriz, but he was ok with that. He asked me why I didn’t say at the beginning that it was me. I told him that I didn’t want to scare him, and he said I didn’t have to worry about that. He also said we would never be homeless, and that even if that happened that we could live with him. But he said that he doesn’t ever see us becoming homeless because Beatriz has a job.

I hope he is right, and I wish my brain believed what he said.

Scared Letty – 10 years old