Category Archives: depression

Happy Anniversary!

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Hello Readers!

Today is the anniversary of A Year in the Life of PTSD! Thank you very much for being such great supporters of my blog.

I dedicate this poem to you, my readers, for all the continued support on here.

I Will Not Break

This day is not going to break me –

No way, no how, it is not.

Foggy days and vacant memory –

This day is not going to break me.

The dark place that knows me,

I implore it to set me free.

This day is not going to break me –

No way, no how, it is not.

It all adds up

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The Fourth of July was tough. However, I survived it. The day after The Fourth I became aware of the people that are in my life. The previous day I couldn’t see any of this. I could hardly see any light at all. But then I started hearing from various people in my life that I overlooked in the midst of my challenging day.

I had a couple of texts from a friend checking in on me telling me that she loved me, and was thinking of me. I got teary just reading the text. Then I heard from an old friend, and we talked on the phone for a bit. There was another friend that was emailing with me while he was on vacation just to stay in touch with me because he knew I was struggling. Those experiences got me thinking of the people who reach out in small ways: the random person at an AA meeting that spoke to me, a coworker who wished me well on my vacation, etc. I realized and finally felt that I was not alone in this life, that there are people that care about me.

It’s important for me to have this realization because in my darkest moments I convince myself that I do not matter to anyone in this life, and that my life is hardly worth living.

Just know that when you reach out to someone, no matter how small, it all adds up to getting that person to feeling like they matter in this world.

Everything we do adds up.

24 hours later life feels less daunting …

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There is no explanation for this. I woke up this morning, and I was able to get out of bed without feeling glued to it. I don’t think I did anything differently to make this happen. I think was able to fall asleep easier because I went on a two mile walk. Today I went on a 3 mile walk, and I’m even better for it. The weather was great, and it didn’t trigger me. What a beautiful thing!

I was going to do some work I brought home, but I decided not to because it’s been such a good day, and I want to enjoy it through and through. Such good days are rare, and I decided to just enjoy it to the very end, and so I did.

It’s so odd to me that today was so different because my life is still the same as it was yesterday. I’m still largely alone, and lonely. I’m still dissociative and over weight and in an apartment that is not as put-away as I would like it to be. All these things are still status quo, but the different thing was my brain today. Today my brain was my friend, and didn’t freak or want the world to end, or some other thing that wouldn’t be a good idea.

Today was a good day. If only I could bottle it for the bad days.