Category Archives: depression

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Hi all,

Clearly I’ve been absent for a long while. I had a hard stretch there during the holidays. I spent the holidays with my sister, and it was nice being with family that does not freak me out. But there were times when I was switchy and basically tweaking out. I worked very hard to keep things under wraps at my sister’s house because I desperately did not want to scare the kids. I think I pulled it off, but it was exhausting.

Once I returned from my vacation I felt incredibly sad returning to my apartment by myself. The contrast of having been with a family for days on end just multiplied my feelings of loneliness.

The depression quickly settled in and set up camp. It was a different kind of depression in that there was no crying or freaking out, just an immense wish to not be here, a vacuum of loneliness.

Trying to keep going, one foot in front of the other.

I must give a special shout out to Joe, a fellow blogger, for helping to pull me out of the junk heap. He didn’t give up on me. Thanks, Joe. We should all have such good friends.

The eternal fight

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Cat on a Ledge | 255/365

 

You want something better for yourself, a better life, for starters. But triggers, memories and flashbacks bring you falling down time and again. You get up , and fall down, ad nauseam.

How long can this go on? Ad nauseam? You don’t want to conceive of that possibility.

You want to remain employable, be a better friend, get a dog. You have a job, but you always fear being found out as truly belonging in the loony bin, and you know you need to work on being a better friend. And so many things have to happen before you can get a dog. It all seems so out of your league, so meant for others, but not for you.

On good days you reach and reach and reach into the depths of your soul, and yank out the oomph you need to keep you going, keep you from falling off the edge.

On bad days you stare at the edge of ledge and wonder …

Smart Heavy

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I got to Doc’s in utter despair this morning. Doc suggested that I study what I was feeling as if I was beside it, this way I would be activating the thinking side of my brain instead of the limbic system side. He did warn me that when I do this I may start to get memories of feelings or actual memories. I started to do what he suggested, and without realizing what I was doing I broke into a big smile. At this point, I’ll let Smart Heavy take over …

“Yeah, like I was going to let Beatriz do what Doc wanted. Poor girl isn’t ready yet for that. Doc means well, but he doesn’t know her as well as I do. Doc asked me what my “purpose” is. I told him I’m a heavy, a Smarty Heavy. Not a bouncer. I’m better than a bouncer because I use my words, not my fists, unless I’m forced to do so. However, it’s always as a last resort. 

I told my mother she was an awful parent, didn’t deserve children. She always heard my truth. Doc asked me how that came to be, and I told him it’s because I know right from wrong. I always call things as I see them. For better or for worse, I have no filter. Doc also asked me when I was born. That would be when my mother brought the stupid man home, the idiot that would become my stepfather.

Doc wants to know my name. Yeah, right! Like I would hand that over like a business card! I just gave him my smile that let him know that he was pushing his luck. He was able to accept not knowing my name right away.

It was time for me to speak up though. The little peeps were having a heart attack when Doc suggested his latest exercise. He’s not a bad guy, but the little peeps get scared easily. Someone has to look out for them.”