Category Archives: dissociative identity disorder

Maybe sometimes it’s better not to know

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I now know what I didn’t know last Saturday before noon. I know so much more, and yet I know I probably know only a small window, but that small window is plenty to hurt the heart. I came to this dissociation journey with parts first, and just hazy memories that really didn’t compute for me how they led to the parts I have. When the question would come up if I am a survivor, I would say, “I guess?” in that not so sure, questiony, wishy washy answer that would annoy me because it’s not like me to be wishy washy with answers.

And the memories keep coming like a flood, a freight train. So much crying and so much pretending. Pretending because I have to work. Thank god for remote work. Thank god for parts. I’ll cry, and then my part that loves to work will emerge like magic for a meeting. Then, when it’s done, we’ll cry for a spell. I’m thankful that I’m not called upon all too often for a sudden or unplanned need for an on-camera meeting. Usually, if something comes up, I just get a Teams message. I can read a Team message through tears. Sure, I welcome work distractions while my brain is flooded with images. For a spot of time, I can pretend I don’t have images in my head, and I can work on something someone needs from me.

On a good day, my work part will completely take over, and I’ll feel like I can do anything because this part is, quite frankly, awesomely confident and unflappable. I have a new therapist, and he called me this week on one of those good days. He caught on right away that a different part was talking to him on the phone. He said, “Hmmm, who am I speaking with?” The next day he said to me, “She’s so articulate!” I said, “Yes, I wish she was here all the time.”

I’ll get a respite from the memories, and I’ll mistakenly think it’s over. And I’ll feel almost like myself again. But, it’s a trick. They come back. I asked my wife, “Do you think it’s over? That’s it?” She just looked at me with so much love, and I don’t remember what she said, but I know it was an answer I didn’t want to hear. And, yes, later that same day the memories were back, like they never left.

I thought, wrongly, that I knew all there was to know about that place and time. After all, I knew what I knew, and nothing more.

A New Day. A New Home

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I originally stopped blogging regularly because someone came across my blog who knew me, and that was not necessarily a bad thing, until it was. They were quick to figure out it was me blogging. Unfortunately, my mental health challenges were used against me. It was a time of immense struggle, and I worked through it without turning to this blog, which had been a source of connection for me. I say all this for explanation without getting into the details.

This was all years ago, but it’s still hard to come back to this page. Much has happened since then. I got married. Moved out of state. Lived there for a bit over 5 years, and then my wife and I just moved out of that state. The first thing I did before we moved was to get a new therapist. Can’t take your therapist with you unless they are licensed in your new state. The DID therapist I found in my area has a waiting list. So, I went back to reading bio after bio of therapists in my area. You can spend hours doing this, and I did. I had a plane delayed for multiple hours in the airport, and I just kept looking up therapists and reading about them. I used the Sensorimotor Psychotherapy Institute directory, and I also used the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation’s directory. I didn’t find anyone using those sources, though I still recommend using those sites as a starting point. Surprisingly, I found my therapist on the inclusive therapists online directory. Part of my wish list was that they have experience treating someone with DID and that they are local, so that I can have in person sessions. The therapist I chose is in my state, but about 400 miles away. So far, only virtual sessions until I decide to take a trip to see them in person. And they have not ever had a client with DID. But, I feel comfortable with them, and, ultimately, that is the most important thing with a therapist. They can be the most qualified and experienced, but if you’re not comfortable with them, well, the therapeutic relationship is not going to work.

Having a new therapist is like a blank canvas, an unwritten journal. They have no backstory. I am so accustomed to sharing something in therapy without having to provide background. Sometimes it feel exhausting with all the context I have to give to even start to explain why something is a challenge for me. But that’s the process. My new therapist says to trust the process. I am working on that.

The other concern is cost. This is the most I’ve ever paid for a therapist. I recognize that my previous therapist was very generous with the rate she gave me. I knew and know that most therapists will need to charge more. Unfortunately, many therapists these days are not participating providers on health insurance plans. My understanding is that this is because of how therapists are often treated by health care providers, so I understand why so few are participating providers. In all my research, anyone I was considering was not a participating provider on any health plan. That means you have to pay out of pocket, which can be a hardship for many. I can afford it for now. Have no idea if I will be able to afford it long term, but I am taking it one day at a time. For now, I am happy I found a therapist I can work with.

Here’s a to a new day and a new home.

Keep trying

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I am about to enter the 2nd anniversary of the start of the pandemic’s impact. For me, the impact started in early March 2020, and I have to say that I’ve perfected the art of isolation since then. On a positive note, I think it has made me a better employee as it is easier to conceal my DID and PTSD as a remote worker. It’s certainly easier to cope with a difficult day working remotely. I can get it together enough for a video meeting, but then exhale and just let myself be as soon as it is over, instead of having to contend with colleagues and managers seeing me look out of sorts. Ironically, I received my best performance rating ever during the pandemic. It has felt strange to achieve professional success during a global pandemic, especially with the knowledge that the pandemic may have helped me achieve that success.

However, I’ve never been good at keeping in touch with friends. It’s always been a struggle for me, and I don’t fully understand why. As I approach year two of this pandemic, I see that the impact for me personally has been less consistent connections with friends. I want to be better, yet I am aware that I become frozen with the thought of even starting to reach out to friends. I had a therapist once who theorized that this reluctance could come from the feeling of safety that comes from being alone. It’s lonely, but it’s safe. In the past, people were not safe, and it can be hard to undo that lesson because not all people are unsafe.

I thought I would start with posting on this blog for the first time in a very long time, over a year, in fact. I am going to keep trying to keep, or rather, pick up those connections with friends. Here’s to a new year!