Category Archives: triggers

The high shelf

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English: shelf Ελληνικά: ράφι

High shelves are handy for placing things that should not be misplaced, but also need to be out of mind until you can pay them attention.

Yesterday’s heavy post came out of my session with Doc. Though I have not changed the fundamental thoughts I conveyed yesterday, I do feel better today.

I am exhausted though, as I was not able to fall asleep last night until well after 2 a.m. After I wrote that post I started having a quick succession of thoughts of all the reasons God should not care for me. Not a good way to try to go to sleep.

To top things off, I received an email last night from a friend (supposedly a friend … ) suggesting that I should not be a writer because it’s a lonely life, I am too sensitive, etc. I don’t remember the specifics of the rest, just that he gave a litany of reasons as why I should not write.

Today I’ve set all of that aside, my thoughts about God’s view of me, and my friend’s opinion of me continuing to write. It’s all on a high shelf, and I’ll deal with it later. Today I need to rest, and get ready for more therapy tomorrow. Oh, yeah, and I have a stupid day job for which I have a deadline on a big project project on Friday. So all the emotional crap gets shelved until the weekend.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

Death brings choices

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When you’ve run away from home you can never truly run away.

You ran away at 18, and aside from a short period of time in your twenties, you’ve not looked back.

The news of your grandmother’s death wafts its way to you eventually. You’ve learned that your grandmother died on Friday, the mother of your father. Your father left your life when you were a little girl. You didn’t have a lot of involvement with this grandmother, but you did have contact with your aunt, your father’s sister.

The family expects you to attend. You can’t even bring yourself to call them “your family.” The concept is an abomination to your brain.

There is no way that you are going. For a moment of insanity you considered it, and looked up flights on Kayak. The cheapest flight was $890! But you know in the back of your mind that if the flight had been free you would have declined. The search was just a formality for your brain.

Though you are not going, you have that shaky, twitchy feeling. You know that thousands of miles away that they’re shaking their heads when they speak of you. And though you ran away 20 years ago, they still have a hold on you.

I miss wearing necklaces

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What you see above is my favorite necklace. Right now, for some reason, I cannot wear it for any significant period of time. Necklaces are my favorite pieces of jewelry. But, lately, I start to get this panicky chokey feeling any time I am wearing one. I few times at work I had to, all of a sudden, take off my necklace. I’ve given up wearing them altogether.

With giving up necklaces, I often get annoyed in the morning when I put on one of my outfits that goes perfectly with the necklace pictured above. I stare at the bare spot on my neck where the necklace would go, and I feel incomplete. But, I’m doing everything I can to avoid dissociation and triggers, so I don’t wear a necklace.

The most vexing thing about this situation is that I don’t know why I have this reaction with anything touching my neck. I have absolutely no memory of anything that can account for this. All I know is how I feel if I have a necklace on, or if someone I am dating touches my neck.

I miss my pink flower necklace.