Tag Archives: alcoholism

I can’t believe I missed the Olympics …

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London Olympics 2012

This past Friday night, as I watched the opening ceremonies, I realized that I missed an entire Olympics four years ago. I had no idea of this fact until I was watching the ceremonies. I even had to look up where the previous Olympics were held in 2008. Apparently they were held in Beijing. Who knew? Looks like the rest of the world was aware of this fact.

This is significant because I always loved the Olympics. I remember my first Olympics that got my attention in 1984. I even bought a handbook with all the rules for every game in the Olympics. I held court in our living room with my Smurf sleeping bag for the entire run of the games. Though I am not an athlete, I love watching people strive for something they believe in, and I’ve always appreciated seeing people perform at the height of their passion. I have a soft spot for dreamers, and Olympians are dreamers just like us writers and artists.

But, I missed an entire Olympics in 2008. This fact is still amazing to me even as I type this post. The larger question is what happened?

Addictions happened. While the Olympics were taking place in Beijing I was about to hit bottom with my alcoholism and sex addiction, and I did hit bottom on August 28, 2008.

In retrospect, I can see that I replaced my passions with addictions to the point that there was little left of the real me. So, let it be a cautionary tale, if you find yourself setting your passions aside, ask yourself why. And, most importantly, what is replacing your passion?

I hope that every Olympics for the rest of my life I find myself sober on all addictive fronts, and pursuing all of my passions.

(Photo credit: Andrea Vascellari)

just open the door and step right on in …

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The doors of LIFE[Day183]*

This seems like a simple enough concept. You intend on going somewhere, and once you get there you just open the door and step right on in … However, depending on the place, that’s not always how it goes for me.

Almost four years ago I made myself walk into an AA meeting because I knew I had reached the end of my rope. Groups of people can be a trigger for me though, and I never truly felt comfortable there. After nearly four years I still feel sick to my stomach going into a meeting. You would think I would be past this stage by now, but I’m not.

Which brings us to today … Right now I am in a Starbucks very sick to my stomach because I intended to go to an AA conference which is taking place down the street from here. The closer I got to the conference the sicker I felt. Finally I just came in here instead. I decided to bag the whole thing. I feel like a failure over it, but physically I feel better now that I decided that I am not going.

A person may ask why I try so hard to go to AA. Well, I see people in there that are genuinely happy, and I really don’t want to drink again. Basically, I want what they have. Many of them seem peaceful, sober and happy. When I am able to sit through a meeting without leaving I often hear things that resonate with me. But it is often very painful for me to sit through meetings because of my anxiety of being in a group. There are countless times when I drive all the way to a meeting, and then I turn around and drive home because I can’t make myself go inside.

Truthfully, I’ve had some negative experiences in AA. But I don’t attribute my anxiety to that because I felt this way before I even had those experiences, and I know that those experiences were not unique to me. I know that a number of people have had negative things happen in AA. By the same token, I’ve had some positive experiences as well. Just wish that I could get myself in there to experience more of it, positive or not. I’ll never know until I start going again.

But for today I am going to try to stop beating myself up over it. I feel better now, and that’s not a bad thing.

(Photo credit: Chapendra)

work, work, work …

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Today is a discouraging day. I have a different job from the one I had when I was re-traumatized back in 2008 with a sexual assault on the job. I’m lucky in the sense that I still have a similar salary to the one I had before, but I no longer work in human resources. I left human resources in 2011 so that I could focus more on getting better. In my previous job I traveled a great deal, and it was hard to be consistent in keeping therapy appointments.

However, I find myself wanting to go back to human resources as I miss doing that work. But I’ve had trouble getting interviews. It’s a small HR world where I am, and my guess is that people likely know what happened to me. It’s just a guess on my part. I have no way of knowing if my perception is real. But before this happened to me I never had trouble getting interviews.

It feels like I will never walk out of the shadow of what happened in 2008. My drinking played a role in what happened to me in that I was not able to keep myself safe.

I’ve been sober for almost four years, and I know that having a job I loved helped to keep me sober.

After breaking down crying at work last week I wonder if I’m suitable to work. I want to be, but I find myself questioning my own capability now.

Tonight I am scared about my future. I want to be better, and need to be better. But, I guess Rome wasn’t built in a day.