This seems like a simple enough concept. You intend on going somewhere, and once you get there you just open the door and step right on in … However, depending on the place, that’s not always how it goes for me.
Almost four years ago I made myself walk into an AA meeting because I knew I had reached the end of my rope. Groups of people can be a trigger for me though, and I never truly felt comfortable there. After nearly four years I still feel sick to my stomach going into a meeting. You would think I would be past this stage by now, but I’m not.
Which brings us to today … Right now I am in a Starbucks very sick to my stomach because I intended to go to an AA conference which is taking place down the street from here. The closer I got to the conference the sicker I felt. Finally I just came in here instead. I decided to bag the whole thing. I feel like a failure over it, but physically I feel better now that I decided that I am not going.
A person may ask why I try so hard to go to AA. Well, I see people in there that are genuinely happy, and I really don’t want to drink again. Basically, I want what they have. Many of them seem peaceful, sober and happy. When I am able to sit through a meeting without leaving I often hear things that resonate with me. But it is often very painful for me to sit through meetings because of my anxiety of being in a group. There are countless times when I drive all the way to a meeting, and then I turn around and drive home because I can’t make myself go inside.
Truthfully, I’ve had some negative experiences in AA. But I don’t attribute my anxiety to that because I felt this way before I even had those experiences, and I know that those experiences were not unique to me. I know that a number of people have had negative things happen in AA. By the same token, I’ve had some positive experiences as well. Just wish that I could get myself in there to experience more of it, positive or not. I’ll never know until I start going again.
But for today I am going to try to stop beating myself up over it. I feel better now, and that’s not a bad thing.
(Photo credit: Chapendra)
You’re doing awesome, sister…remember, the heart and spirit of AA is the key, not the people who have failed you or contributed to hurtful or bad situations. Focus on the heart of it, which is responsible for setting those others free and bringing them to places of such rest and peace within. They’ve tapped into the secret…and I’ll tell you now a lot of is is practical, even the spiritual aspect with the Lord. Give it a chance. If you need, see if someone will come with you. If that’s not your comfort level, just go in to the meeting without thinking about it. Play the radio and sing while on the car ride till you get to the door, keep humming your fav song, and find yourself inside the building for the meeting. 🙂 Until the next one, we’ll ask God for a little boost and courage and boldness, how ’bout that? 🙂
Yes please don’t beat yourself up, you’re not a failure. Maybe you could look at it that you got as far as the coffee shop and that was hard work enough. 🙂
That’s a good way of looking at it! 🙂