Today is a discouraging day. I have a different job from the one I had when I was re-traumatized back in 2008 with a sexual assault on the job. I’m lucky in the sense that I still have a similar salary to the one I had before, but I no longer work in human resources. I left human resources in 2011 so that I could focus more on getting better. In my previous job I traveled a great deal, and it was hard to be consistent in keeping therapy appointments.
However, I find myself wanting to go back to human resources as I miss doing that work. But I’ve had trouble getting interviews. It’s a small HR world where I am, and my guess is that people likely know what happened to me. It’s just a guess on my part. I have no way of knowing if my perception is real. But before this happened to me I never had trouble getting interviews.
It feels like I will never walk out of the shadow of what happened in 2008. My drinking played a role in what happened to me in that I was not able to keep myself safe.
I’ve been sober for almost four years, and I know that having a job I loved helped to keep me sober.
After breaking down crying at work last week I wonder if I’m suitable to work. I want to be, but I find myself questioning my own capability now.
Tonight I am scared about my future. I want to be better, and need to be better. But, I guess Rome wasn’t built in a day.
A Year in the Life of PTSD 
My sister, I just happened to have my PC up and blog openable…couldn’t resist replying real quick to this one, in part because it also makes me think of a couple things with myself. I feel like I’m coming upon a major transition, in work, serving others, maybe even where I live. So everything feels like it’s going to shift and become transient, and there are so many things and even opportunities floating around, acting like one or more of them will open up to me. It’s nervously exciting.
But there’s another part of me that I must be determined to silence and fight: the part that says I’m not capable of maintaining serious responsibility, dire needs and workload, and that I’ll fail, again and again. And I should just do a job that is easy to get by with, and just keep being a nice person on the internet and in person, helping people, but never taking on a serious job again that has vital pressures and pivotal circumstances.
I remember hiding away in a somewhat secluded room at one of my jobs years ago amidst one of my situations, and crying out to God, and pouring out tears and hurt from deep crevasses of my heart and soul. I remember Jesus being there to catch my tears like a pool filling with water, and always being so patient and suffering with me in my agony. I didn’t have anyone else, that’s for sure. And I felt so inadequate in doing just the normal jobs, as well as having normal relationships again with a woman.
But one thing I did do right, thank God…I turned these times into an altar of surrender and worship, and…I allowed myself to be vulnerable to myself (novel concept). I allowed me to look at me for who I really was, and still embrace that and accept myself, and come alongside myself. Not to sound too odd, but coming to oneself and doing this is a gateway to grace and receiving love from others, wherein healing waters reside.
I’ll stop…you have me writing a blog that perhaps should be on my site here in your comment box. 🙂 My heart pours out, and as you know, the blogworld is an infintite reservoir for us to fill…much love, compassion and blessing to you, from your brother who you don’t even know…
Yes I’m facing the same questions. Am I well enough to work? I have a few months before I need to answer that yet but at the moment my total relapse this summer has shaken my confidence dramatically. It is so hard to get back on the horse after falling off. Still, with small steps it is possible. x
This whole time I just realized I’ve been hitting the wrong reply button when I reply to you. I’ve been going to the bottom of the page and replying to you instead of going right under your reply to reply directly to you (if that makes any sense). I realized this last night, and started replying to people the proper way. Anyhow, you’ll find a few replies on here that you likely didn’t get because I didn’t do it right.
Hey B!
You are strong, and working on things day by day. I believe you will get there.