You’ve had an evening of alter roulette, and you are exhausted when you walk into work. You go up to one of your colleagues, and state,”Hi Barb, its Beatriz” while you’re standing in front of her. Thankfully, she laughs and says, “I know who you are!” You lie and say that you just had a conference call where you had to announce who you were every time you spoke. Doh!
Tag Archives: dissociation
This is why fireworks suck
You throw your tote bag into your car, and you start creating a mental grocery list of things you’ll pick up at the grocery store: onions, feta cheese, kale, corn tortillas -you’re in the mood for your famous kale tacos. Then there’s a huge boom. You’re not sure if it’s bullets or a bomb or something else, but it’s in the vicinity, and sky is lit up, and you feel yourself start to cower. Somehow, comprehension sinks in and you realize it’s fireworks. For some bizarrely stupid reason there are fireworks in November somewhere near you.
You sit in your car trying to get your bearings. You sit and sit and sit and sit. You’re floaty and scared and hungry and freaked. You have the car running, and you don’t want to run out of gas, but you see the gas gauge is close to empty. It’s been at least 30 minutes, so you decide to head to the grocery store since the fireworks are long since done, and your’e calmer now.
Or, so you thought you were calmer. You’re driving, and you’re nearly to the grocery store, and you see flashing red and blue lights behind you. You pull over into the parking lot of the neighborhood diner, and you’re confused. You don’t know what you did, or what happened to merit getting pulled over by the police. You’re scared, scared, scared …
“Ma’am, you don’t have to get out of the car. License and registration please.”
“What … what did I do wrong?”
“License and registration please, and then we’ll talk.”
“Okaaayy …”
“Ma’am, are you feeling okay tonight? You were driving on the shoulder for a good while there. I followed you for a bit to see if you would correct it. What have you been up to tonight?”
“I … I … I was at the coffee shop, and I was putting my things in the car when fireworks started nearby, and I needed to wait before I drove because I was … startled.”
“Ma’am, is something wrong?”
“I … have … PTSD, and the fireworks … really … startled me. I’m sorry.”
“Ma’am, is there anything I can do for you?”
“No, sir.”
“You know, ma’am, this diner is a nice place to eat if you need to relax for a bit. I’m not giving you a ticket or anything like that. Have a good night.”
(Photo credit: Camera Slayer)
Fork in the road
What happens when we have a choice before us that can be life-changing?
You are at that fork in the road, and you desperately want to make the right choice, the best damn choice. But life does not provide a crystal ball into the future. You make your best guess. You talk to friends, colleagues, therapists, siblings, ex-boyfriends, and in the end, only you can assess and decide what to do.
And when the choice before you includes things you’ve always wanted it makes choosing so confusing and confounding. You want to go with what you want. Everyone wants what they want. But what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for us. Knowing this, and even applying this is hard and it can even be heart-breaking.
And, yes, I’m talking about my decision earlier this week not to take a promotion. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to know that either direction this decision was going to be life-changing. The good news is that the job was then offered to my very fine colleague and friend that I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the past year. Happy/sad feelings abounded with that news. The job could not have gone to a better person. I will miss him though.
Life goes on when we make a life-changing choice. It goes on, and plays out the choice we made, for better or for worse. Only time will reveal the wisdom of our choice.
(Photo credit: Wikipedia)
A Year in the Life of PTSD 