Tag Archives: dissociation

Coming up for air

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5

You look out into the sea of faces, and welcome the group to the video conference. All is well, and going smoothly until a voice starts bellowing, “There is no contract between blah blah blah blah.” At least that’s what it sounds like to you because you are not there once you hear that inevitable berating nasty tone. You’re gone, just like that. Somehow you’re saved because one of your colleagues handles the nasty woman with the question/comment.

But then there are others with the similar berating tone, and you find a way to fake your way though it even though your body is floating, and you hardly feel like you’re on the ground. You’re answering questions, and keeping your body from shaking, but it is the hardest thing you’ve ever done in your life. It is painful to stand there, and keep it all buttoned up.

Right before the lunch break a woman approaches you to ask you a question. She’s nice and polite, but you haven’t eaten in three hours, and you feel yourself start to fade while she’s talking to you. You take her hand in yours, and tell her that you desperately need to eat something, and you would love to hear her question after the training ends. Mercifully, she smiles and says that’s fine, and that she’ll see you after the training.

You run to your office cube, and shake and shake and shake ,and then you eat your yogurt and granola. You want to cry like a baby, but you go back on camera in 15 minutes so there is no time for that.

You are back on camera, and the worst of it is over. However, your body does not know that, and it wants to TWEAK out. Keeping a lid on the pressure cooker in your body is an “all-hands-on-deck” affair. Somehow you get through it.

The lovely woman with the question right before lunch finds you after the training, and she turns out to be a joy to speak with. She is the one bright spot in the entire experience. The two of you wind up talking extensively about issues tangentially related to the training.

You are able to get to the end of the day, and you’re exhausted. Unfortunately, your body is in overdrive, and does not realize that the ordeal is finished. Your friend, Jack, takes you out for an early birthday dinner, but you’re twitchy. In fact, you’re especially twitchy when a couple is seated very close to you in the restaurant. You just about jump out of your skin.

Finally you get home, and just melt down completely. It is full on panic/freak-out mode, and you are drop-kicked into the horrid past of your parents yelling at you in that berating voice. You find yourself wishing that your mother had killed you that time she tried to run over you with the car. One of your friends calls you in the midst of this episode, and comes over to check on you. They wisely assess that you need your Xanax, and a break from your brain. You take one, and eventually are able to peacefully sleep, and put this dreadful day to rest for good.

Under the table

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7

English: Wooden kitchen table and chairs

Today I told Doc what I learned from Cate last week. He listened, and then I just heard the world “trauma” and I started shaking badly. He then asked, “Is someone having a hard time? What can I do to help?” I could feel that “the little one” wanted to get under the table next to me, and I told Doc that I was aware of this. She really wanted to get under that table. But I resisted. It was weird, not normal. Loco. Loca. Loony. No! We will not get under the table.

But she insisted, and the more she insisted, the more I shook. The more I dug my heels in, the harder I shook. Something had to give. Then Doc said, “I invite you to get under the table if that will help.” You get to a point sometimes in life when you run out of the plausible normal-sounding options. When you reach this point you are at the end of your rope, and you start entertaining those options that seemed crazy and insane because you are desperate for some kind of peace. This was that kind of moment for me.

I leapt for that table like a lifeline, so much so that I almost hit my head on the table. I feared getting under the table because I didn’t want to “lose myself.” I was afraid of having a dissociative experience that I would not recall, like I had last week. Surprisingly, what happened is that my body became peaceful the very moment I got under that table. I felt peaceful, and then very sleepy. I could have slept under that table  for hours.

We continued our session with me under the table. It was weird, but it worked, and I shook a whole lot less. If someone told me this morning that I would end my day speaking to my psychiatrist from under a table, I would have laughed at the improbability of that scenario. You just never know what works.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

No matter what, keep going

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10

That’s what I’ve been doing. I’ve been keeping up the good fight, regardless of how I’ve felt. Also, I am very grateful to everyone that has left such supportive comments, and has been patient with me, and my dreary self these past several days.

It’s bad for me not to post regularly, as I’m absolutely stuck on what to write, what to say. I can start with what’s new in my world. I went on a date last night. I know that may sound a bit mad, as I’ve not been in the best state of mind lately.

It was one of those accidental things. I logged on to my match.com account out of curiosity. I had not been on the site in a couple of months. I saw that I had an email from a guy with whom I have a number of things in common with, a rarity! I’m rarely this interested in a person, but I emailed him back right away. Thankfully, he had only emailed me two days prior.

So, I checked in with all the parts if they thought this was a good idea. Someone had a mild objection. I’m not sure who, but we worked through it. I promised that if it seemed even remotely iffy we would be out of there.

Strangely, but wonderfully, I did not start to shake during the date. We just went for tea, but you never know what will start me shaking. He was very much a gentleman, and all the parts approved of him. Everyone was well behaved, so this bodes well for him.

Somehow I let it slip that I blog. He then asked me what I blog about, and I realized that I was stuck, as I was not going to lie. I said that I blog about my PTSD, and I said that I wasn’t sure if that was too much information. His face then softened, and he said that he understood better than I knew, that 9/11 is very hard for him every year. He then looked at me, and said that if he ever does anything to trigger me to please tell him, and that not to worry as it’s not too much information.

It’s promising, and I do like him. But I’m cautious, as I know he does not have anything close to even half the picture of me. I’m not even sure if I should be dating. Though I do know that I’m comfortable around him, and that does not come easily for me. We shall see.