Today, as usual, I woke up with that stuck to the bed familiar feeling that I often have in the morning upon waking up. The difference is that I’m better able these days to shake it off in shorter order than I was in the not so distant past. Though I did have the sense that I had a rough night of dissociative sleeping, but I had no clues beyond my foggy feeling.

Fast forward to the kitchen, last stop before I head out the door, and I’m trying to find the damn grilled chicken that I’m taking for lunch. I can’t find it, and I know I bought it, and I know where I put it in the refrigerator. I proceeded to nearly empty the entire refrigerator looking for this chicken. Finally, I see the chicken on the counter, right near my lunch bag, and I have no idea as to how it got there. I start furiously searching my memory for the moment I put it on the counter, and there is nothing there. I shake and shake and shake my brain for the memory of taking out the chicken to no avail. Finally, I just leave for my appointment with Doc, and I’m late for it by 5-7 minutes.

As I sit down, Doc mentions to me that I am consistently 5-7 minutes late for my appointments, and he asks me why. I tell him that the reasons are different each time. This time I tell him about the chicken incident, to which he says to me, “Did you ask inside?” I became slightly annoyed, and I said to him that I did not ask inside as I was running late for an appointment. He then pointed out that asking inside about the chicken might have given me some answers as to who took out the chicken, why they felt compelled to “help out” or whether someone was trying to delay getting to the appointment, etc.

Then I became further annoyed because he asked me why I did not ask inside, why did I just keep going through my memory bank when I know I have DID. I then said that sometimes in moments like that I question the DID, and look for another answer.

He seemed to soften when I said that, and said that he understood that tendency. But, he went on to say that intrinsic memory will only become extrinsic memory when I start questioning why certain things are happening. For example, a good time to look for the extrinsic memory would have been upon waking up with the stuck to the bed feeling. He said that if I make myself open to the extrinsic memory when odd or disturbing things happen eventually the extrinsic memory will come, but only if I make myself available to it.

I want that, and I don’t want that. I want to move on from this limbo of trauma and dissociation, but I am afraid to fully know what got me here.  I will try to be more open to answers. We shall see, but make no mistake, I’m afraid to know what lies beneath.

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