Tag Archives: personal

Fork in the road

Posted on by

4

English: A fork in the road Which way should i go?

What happens when we have a choice before us that can be life-changing?

You are at that fork in the road, and you desperately want to make the right choice, the best damn choice. But life does not provide a crystal ball into the future. You make your best guess. You talk to friends, colleagues, therapists, siblings, ex-boyfriends, and in the end, only you can assess and decide what to do.

And when the choice before you includes things you’ve always wanted it makes choosing so confusing and confounding. You want to go with what you want. Everyone wants what they want. But what we want in the moment isn’t always what is best for us. Knowing this, and even applying this is hard and it can even be heart-breaking.

And, yes, I’m talking about my decision earlier this week not to take a promotion. It’s absolutely mind-blowing to know that either direction this decision was going to be life-changing. The good news is that the job was then offered to my very fine colleague and friend that I’ve had the pleasure of working with for the past year. Happy/sad feelings abounded with that news. The job could not have gone to a better person. I will miss him though.

Life goes on when we make a life-changing choice. It goes on, and plays out the choice we made, for better or for worse. Only time will reveal the wisdom of our choice.

(Photo credit: Wikipedia)

There are limits

Posted on by

6

There are inherent limits with DID.

With DID you watch the world pass you by. On your strongest days you feel like you can do anything, but the feeling is fleeting, and not sustainable.

It was on one of my strongest days that I applied for a promotion in a different office. There may be a job offer tomorrow that I have to turn down.

And I sit here frozen because typing any further renders me teary.

I know the awesomeness of my productivity and skill set is inside me, but the state of my system in the midst of integration renders this as not a good time for this kind of change.

But it angers me because I see others passing me by into other positions that I know I can excel in if my system was more stable.

I don’t want these limits, but they are there nonetheless. No amount of wishing or determination will extricate them out of my system, at least for today.

I trick myself into believing that I can really rock it as a professional, and that I can burst right through the limits that DID imposes on me because I am one hell of a determined woman.

I just want to excel in my career.

But with DID there are limits.

Today is better than yesterday

Posted on by

2

Integration, apparently, is moving along. I’m not completely sure how, nor can I even coherently explain it. Two nights ago I lost a lot of time, and the nightmares were ridiculous, and lengthy. I did not wake up yesterday until 1:53 p.m. When I finally woke up I truly no longer wanted to be on this earth.

I think Doc must have been in a bad place as well because when I called him he asked, “Are you safe?” Well, as safe as one can be with a mind that likes to switch off to different channels. He then asked, “Do you need to go to the hospital?” Once I answered those questions sufficiently enough he was pretty much done. No, I don’t need the damn hospital, just a connection to a human being that can tell me that what’s in my mind is not real. I just needed to talk to someone that was not in my nightmare, someone that can tell me that the world is not as scary as it is in my brain. I just needed to hear another person’s voice so that I know that I am not truly alone in this world, that Armageddon did not happen and I didn’t make the cut. What I needed was someone to convey to me that it’s worth finding that shred of hope, like an umbrella tucked into the backseat of your car that you suddenly remember in the middle of a downpour, and it’s worth cashing it in today because tomorrow will be better. Not all days will be like this, some will, but not all of them.

As usual, no one else was available. Instead, I found hope in a diner meal of roasted chicken, potatoes and chicken gumbo soup. Then, the bookstore was the final refuge for us. We stayed until they closed for the night as I was terrified to be home alone. But the night was better than the previous one, and today is still lonely, but, somehow, more hopeful. Not sure how, but I’m not questioning it. I’ll just take it.