Tag Archives: Sexual addiction

Finding Sabrina

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I found another peep, another alter … and I am scared.

She’s a problem, and her name is Sabrina.

I’ve been aware of Sabrina’s behaviors before now, but it occurred to me this weekend that everything I’ve observed makes up an alter. I always thought I was just crazy in another form. Now at least I know what form of crazy I am.

While sitting during an acoustic jazz concert I became aware that she was trying to tell me her name. I should probably stop going to concerts because I find that I dissociate or switch during them. I’ve no idea why, and it’s vexing because I enjoy live music.

It became a battle between Beatriz and Sabrina.

I won in the end, but I lost time afterwards, then fell asleep. But at least I didn’t do what Sabrina wanted. I’ll just say it would have been a backwards step, a slip, a let-down.

Sabrina wanted Jack, but Jack is my friend. We managed to get home without disastrous moves.

I’m exhausted from the experience.

once an addict, always an addict …

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You had dinner with Jack tonight, and you’ve assessed that the two of you are better off as friends. In fact, the more time you spend with him the more confident you become in that assessment. There’s nothing obnoxious about him, you wouldn’t be friends with him if there was. It’s just that the two of you are incredibly different in terms of lifestyle, and what you want out of life.

However, today at dinner you found your mind starting to stray into that murky territory of attraction. But, big but here, you know that an addict is always an addict, especially a sex addict. You know, in that wise mind of yours, that you were starting to lust after him, simple as that.

You know all too well that if you had met Jack four years ago before you hit rock bottom with alcohol and sex that you would have devoured him and spit him out by now. He would only have lasted two weeks at the most in your life, and that was by design. You preferred it that way. You were in control, that is, until you weren’t in control at the very end.

He walks you to your car after dinner.You think about kissing him. Instead, you give him kale and beets from the farm share box in your car. Jack is a very good friend, and you’ve come to value friendship in recovery.

I can’t believe I missed the Olympics …

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London Olympics 2012

This past Friday night, as I watched the opening ceremonies, I realized that I missed an entire Olympics four years ago. I had no idea of this fact until I was watching the ceremonies. I even had to look up where the previous Olympics were held in 2008. Apparently they were held in Beijing. Who knew? Looks like the rest of the world was aware of this fact.

This is significant because I always loved the Olympics. I remember my first Olympics that got my attention in 1984. I even bought a handbook with all the rules for every game in the Olympics. I held court in our living room with my Smurf sleeping bag for the entire run of the games. Though I am not an athlete, I love watching people strive for something they believe in, and I’ve always appreciated seeing people perform at the height of their passion. I have a soft spot for dreamers, and Olympians are dreamers just like us writers and artists.

But, I missed an entire Olympics in 2008. This fact is still amazing to me even as I type this post. The larger question is what happened?

Addictions happened. While the Olympics were taking place in Beijing I was about to hit bottom with my alcoholism and sex addiction, and I did hit bottom on August 28, 2008.

In retrospect, I can see that I replaced my passions with addictions to the point that there was little left of the real me. So, let it be a cautionary tale, if you find yourself setting your passions aside, ask yourself why. And, most importantly, what is replacing your passion?

I hope that every Olympics for the rest of my life I find myself sober on all addictive fronts, and pursuing all of my passions.

(Photo credit: Andrea Vascellari)