I’ve hit one of the most difficult writing blocks I’ve ever encountered. I’m sure that it is directly related to the fact that I am struggling internally. Externally, I’m able to somewhat keep it together. That’s an improvement from the past. I’m able to perform at work, and I’m more able to cook for myself more so than in the past. But, truthfully, I alternate between feelings of despair, anxiety, and fear. The reasons are varied, but I think the overall theme for me is that I am tired of trying. And I haven’t blogged because I don’t like writing from such a negative place. I always try to come from things with a perspective of hope, even when I’m having a difficult time with something. But, lately, there’s been little hope and positivity within me.
At work there’s been discussion regarding suicidal ideation in employees. I sit on an Employee Assistance Program committee, and it feels a bit hypocritical to be part of such a group when I fight tooth and nail to keep myself on this earth. I’ve become more aware of the feeling of walking around with secrets galore between the DID, the PTSD, the depression …
Know that I do think of you guys, and I miss you. But I don’t feel right sharing when I have little hope or positivity to offer.Perhaps, in spite of my negativity in this post, it’s a hopeful sign that I’ve found it within myself to even write this post. One can hope.
Here for you in the good and the bad. You don’t always have to be positive when you’re not feeling that way.
Sending you hugs and good wishes, keep on going, you are strong and you will get through this too!
*hugs* (And I was on that advisory committee too. Your input is, and always will be valuable! )