Category Archives: career

Coming back

Posted on by

12

I’ve been silent on this blog for too long. My own life has been such a distraction that I’ve felt “blocked” from writing. Twice, over the last two weeks, I’ve started blog posts that I’ve abandoned out of the feeling that they made no sense, or that they were garbage. Finally, I realized that I just have to start writing again, no matter what, no matter how nonsensical, or “bad.” It’s true that it’s always harder to start up again after you’ve been away from the page for too long. Similar rule with running, always harder to start up again after a prolonged absence. Better to just keep going.

A lot of change is afoot for me, and that’s probably what’s been impacting my ability to concentrate on writing.

With regard to my dissociative identity disorder, I’ve been progressing with integration. My progress has been so notable that I’ve come to the conclusion that my current career is no longer a fit for my true self. This realization has been a shock, but the more I think about it the more I realize that this, in fact, is true. I am good at my job. I do it well, but it is not the best fit for the real me. The core of me desires a job that is far less adversarial, quieter. I investigate employee misconduct, and I represent management at arbitration hearings. I do it well, but it’s not how I want to contribute to the world.

This job is what I wanted up until now. There is no accident in how I got into this career. I can certainly connect the dots. But, the core of me of would like to contribute to the working world differently. I would like a job that is more social justice oriented. Just as a Hail Mary submission, I sent my resume in for a position that caught my eye. At the very last minute, right before the deadline, I crafted my cover letter, and pressed “send.” I waited until the last minute because it felt silly applying for a job in a field in which I had been notably absent for a while.

Meanwhile, I told my boss that I was looking for another job. I did this because my boss has been very supportive of me with my treatment efforts, and I felt like it was the right thing to do. I envisioned that this search would take months, perhaps longer, especially since I’ve not worked in social work policy for a while.

Much to my surprise, I received a phone call at 5 pm on Friday for an interview for the job I considered a Hail Mary resume submission. I know it’s just an interview, not a job offer, but I am still very surprised, and heartened at the fact that I have an interview. Even if I don’t get the job I will be grateful just for the interview. It shows me that I am a viable candidate for what I really want to do with my life.

Lately, life has seemed clearer, just crackling with clarity. One morning as I walked into Doc’s office I noticed a brass name plate on the door of his office with his name. I walked in and complimented him on the new name plate. He said to me that it’s been there the entire time I’ve been coming to see him, which will be two years next month. I was surprised to realize that I’ve never noticed the name plate until recently. I’ve opened that door countless times with no notice of the name plate right in front of my nose as I entered his office. But, that’s dissociation, or at least that’s what Doc says.

Good-bye, Downtown Diner

Posted on by

1

Dear Downtown Diner Owners,

I am officially severing our business relationship. It’s been good … okay, well, it was good. But, recently, things have taken a bad turn. I can no longer ignore it. Admittedly, I’ve been trying to ignore the downward spiral. There’s a bit of shame in my admission that I held on longer than I should have because I really covet your meatloaf panini special. I love how you place meatloaf slices with bacon, caramelized onions, and mozzarella cheese between pita bread and press it all in a panini press. I’m guilty of overlooking your wrongs because of this dish and a few others, but the meatloaf panini is my favorite.

My first clue fell in my lap when I came in on a recent Sunday for breakfast, and business was slow enough that you both had time chat with me. Here’s some advice: Don’t trash talk your wait staff to me. I don’t want to hear it. I don’t want to know. I come to your place to eat because I need a respite from the grind of my day. I come for a bit of an escape, and the comfort of your good food. I don’t want to hear about your HR problems, especially since these same people serve me on a regular basis.

But even worse than trash talking your wait staff is the fact that you trashed one particular person because she has a mental illness. I still shudder at the fact that I didn’t stop patronizing your business the moment this happened. I knew even in the moment when you described her bipolar behavior to me, and subsequently trashed her, that I should have fled the scene. I’ll admit I felt awkward later with all my unsolicited behind-the-scenes knowledge any time I was there. But, I would think back to your dreamy meatloaf, and just shake off my nagging feelings.

You see, you should know better for so many reasons. Let me count the ways … Patrons don’t want to hear bad stuff about your peeps. They want the illusion of a well-oiled machine, whether or not that is the case. Also, you should be careful. You’re an employer, for god’s sake. Trash talking your employee because of her disability puts you in potential hot water. Get a brain about this HR stuff if you want to continue to make your living as an employer.

The other thing to consider is that you never really know who you’re talking to when you’re making chit-chat. You think you may know me well because I told you both I’m in sobriety, and I don’t drink. But that tidbit doesn’t even scratch the surface of who I am. I, myself, have PTSD and dissociative identity disorder. I know that it’s likely you never would have guessed this about me as you know what I do for a living, and you see me with all my colleagues having lunch in your diner. But, I am a person with a mental illness. I work hard to maintain my ability to work, but that’s because I’m fortunate enough that I can afford the treatment that I need. Remember when I asked you if you had suggested to your waitress that she go to the county mental health center? Do you recall how I was trying to tell you how to advise her to access mental health services? If you were smart enough you would have concluded that I’d had a few rodeos myself, and there was a reason I knew how to get “in the system.” Lesson: mentally ill people are sensitive to other mentally ill peers getting trashed simply because they’re mentally ill.

Don’t worry. I won’t trash review you on yelp, or anywhere else. Okay, yes, I’m trashing you here, but no one knows your name here. Your stupidity is safe here. But, really, get a brain, and kiss the meatloaf good-bye for me. We had a good run, me and that meatloaf.

Beatriz

DID moment

Posted on by

6

You’ve had an evening of alter roulette, and you are exhausted when you walk into work. You go up to one of your colleagues, and state,”Hi Barb, its Beatriz” while you’re standing in front of her. Thankfully, she laughs and says, “I know who you are!” You lie and say that you just had a conference call where you had to announce who you were every time you spoke. Doh!