Category Archives: depression

Trying to keep going ….

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… but it is like trying to easily get gum out of your hair.

Right now, I am stuck in a car in a parking lot. Just stuck, frozen with undefined malaise and despair. Trying to convince myself that my life is not over, that there are reasons to keep trying.

All day I’ve had that feeling of impending doom. I think it’s the warmer weather. I oddly get triggered in warmer weather, yes, it’s vexing to be that way.

The floaties are coming, and that’s not good either. How, oh how, do we turn this hot mess around that is us?

An assignment I don’t want

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I saw Doc yesterday, and we made some discoveries. For a couple of months I’ve been aware of Belle, another alter. I am scared of Belle. She wants to die ALL the time. I spend a great deal of my time and energy fighting her despair and wish to die. Doc’s theory is that Belle holds all the despair and depression from childhood. She holds that for all the rest of us so that we did not have to endure it. He asked me to get a journal just for Belle. I finally did that tonight, and I am afraid to write in it as Belle. I think Belle also experienced hunger for all of us. There were times that I was truly hungry as a child, too painful to even write about right now.

The new journal lies within my tote bag, and I fear even touching it because touching it would mean I would need to take the next step and open it to write.

One of my friends posted the video from lifevestinside.com below to Facebook. It’s actually a happy video, but it made me cry, specifically at 3:11 in the video. That’s when a man gives another man a hot dog and water, and in that moment, I felt myself tear up. I know I teared up because I know what it’s like to be hungry, and I know that look when you bite into something after being hungry for so long.

And that’s it. I can’t write anymore tonight.

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Another example …

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… of why it is hard for me to post … The emptiness persists, and I don’t like writing depressing blog posts. It feels counter productive to do so, yet here I am doing just that very thing.

Ever since the ordeal with my ex-husband, Letty has largely been in hiding. She’s emerged a few times here and there. But, she has not been the constant companion she was with me for so long prior to this event. Now Little Ronnie is my constant companion. She does ask about Letty. I don’t really have any concrete answers for her, as I also miss Letty.

I’m back in that robotic depressive state that is really just a nasty hamster wheel that you can’t get off for the life of you. I don’t want to be in this place for the rest of my life. Something needs to change. I want things to change, but as soon as I reach for that “change button” it seems like it’s yanked further away out of my reach. How is it that something you want so badly is out of your reach? It scares me that the answer may be I don’t want it badly enough. I believe I do. I feel that I do. But how does one really know these things? One can’t. You just have to chug on as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s likely dark forever.