… of why it is hard for me to post … The emptiness persists, and I don’t like writing depressing blog posts. It feels counter productive to do so, yet here I am doing just that very thing.
Ever since the ordeal with my ex-husband, Letty has largely been in hiding. She’s emerged a few times here and there. But, she has not been the constant companion she was with me for so long prior to this event. Now Little Ronnie is my constant companion. She does ask about Letty. I don’t really have any concrete answers for her, as I also miss Letty.
I’m back in that robotic depressive state that is really just a nasty hamster wheel that you can’t get off for the life of you. I don’t want to be in this place for the rest of my life. Something needs to change. I want things to change, but as soon as I reach for that “change button” it seems like it’s yanked further away out of my reach. How is it that something you want so badly is out of your reach? It scares me that the answer may be I don’t want it badly enough. I believe I do. I feel that I do. But how does one really know these things? One can’t. You just have to chug on as if there is a light at the end of the tunnel, even if it’s likely dark forever.