Category Archives: dissociative identity disorder

She can sing

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For as long as I can remember I have loved music. At one time I recall being able to sing and even singing in a children’s choir. One day the ability to sing was gone, just like that. Somewhere around 3rd or 4th grade I no longer had the ability to sing on key. It bothered me immensely, mostly because I loved to sing, and I just loved music. I followed around the school choirs that I could never join because music teachers would just shake their head no at me any time I even dared to try to join. I never understood why I cared so much about the damn choir.

Now it’s like I found the missing piece of the puzzle with the discovery that Ronnie can sing. We get in the car, and we sing and sing and sing. We sing everything – Pink, Fleetwood Mac, even Blake Shelton. Sometimes I try to sing, and it just falls flat. I try again, and it falls flat again. Finally, I just give in and let Ronnie sing. I let her sing, and I finally feel that void being filled that I’ve carried around since I stopped singing. She sings, and I feel the pure happiness the comes out of us from the sheer act of singing.

Apparently, Ronnie wants me to download the new Blake Shelton song, “Boys ‘Round Here.” It’s not age appropriate, but she has good taste.

Apparently this is progress

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The past couple of days have been tumultuous. Yesterday was the hardest. I felt stuck in a hazy fog. Doc says it’s normal, that this is progress. Really? I fail to see it.

It was hard because during the session I could not tell if it was Ronnie or Belle or someone else. Apparently this is because I am integrating. He says it’s good news, but that there will be times when I feel bad or even confused with my identity.

I learned something else … Ronnie can sing. I cannot sing, but Ronnie can. That has been a fun discovery.

All the DID fun has left me tired. That’s all I can write tonight.

Oh, yes, the parents

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I received a mysterious text from my mother, though when I read it my assessment is that my stepfather likely typed it. It just doesn’t “sound” like her, and I’m pretty good at assessing things such as this.

Apparently they are going to be within 200 miles of me the first week of August for a memorial service for a family member whom I never met. I think it’s a great uncle. It looks like they want me to come see them when they are in the vicinity. I guess 200 miles is considered the vicinity when they are usually over 2,200 miles away.

For some reason I felt bad looking at that text, like I’m cruelly rejecting them. I consulted with my sister, Cate, and she advised not to go. She pointed out that they were never there for me when I needed them. She doesn’t have to worry about this as she lives clear across the country, nowhere near me. I know she’s right. Annoyingly, she is always right. It’s not that I want to see them, not at all. The guilt just sometimes haunts me, and I wish I could shake it.

In writing this post I’ve also realized that this text may be the reason I had such a hard time Sunday and parts of Monday. I received the text on Sunday, but promptly forgot about it. But I think others did not forget about it.

I take no pleasure in ignoring my mother and stepfather. But that’s how it has to be.